This Won't 'Fix' Me
by DaringEMAE
Summary: After a series of wild events, Grimmjow, a minor charged with aggravated assault and diagnosed with a violent case of PTSD, regretfully lands himself in 16 weeks of therapy. He eventually learns things about himself that he never knew before. GrimmStarrk, GrimmjowPOV, yaoi. (Dark)Humor, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, etc. AU. My first dark fic.
1. Prologue: What Hell

**A/N: Hello!**

**Yes, I know that I should be working on Break My Bones, but I just couldn't resist this story! The main pairing for this story is GrimmStarrk, and I know that it's a rare paring, but it was just what I envisioned for the story. There are other pairings mentioned in the story as well such as ShiroIchi, TiaStarrk, and UlquiHime.**

**I'm taking a ****_huge_**** risk writing in Grimmjow's PoV, but it just wouldn't be right any other way.**

**_As usual_****, I am ****_nervous as tits_**** about starting a new story. Especially this one.**

**Why, you ask?**

**Well, this particular story is very special to me. Let's just say I have a friend (who's in higher places now) who was the inspiration for this fic. Our favorite English teacher back in 7th grade told us to always write from your heart, especially if it's from what you know. And even though I don't know this from experience, I knew it through her words. Writing this story is a way for me to remember my dear friend. So, I can only hope that this will be enjoyable for whoever reads it.**

**This won't be a total sob story, as hers wasn't. I will try to make it funny as well, as it was ****_hilarious_**** the way she told me...Which makes me feel like a sick person. XD But she liked to make a joke out if everything, even her own misfortune.**

**This is for you, Milan.**

**Enjoy! :3**

* * *

_No, you don't know what it's like_

_When nothing feels all right_

_You don't know what it's like_

_To be like me_

_To be hurt_

_To feel lost_

_To be left out in the dark_

_To be kicked when you're down_

_To feel like you've been pushed around_

_To be on the edge of breaking down_

_And no one's there to save you_

_No, you don't know what it's like_

_Welcome to my life_

_**-Simple Plan 'Welcome to My Life'**_

* * *

"Grimmjow Jaegerjaques?"

_Fuuuuuck._

I don't want to do this.

I _really_ don't want to _fucking_ do this.

I don't even need this. Or...at least, I don't _think_ I do. I tried reasoning with the judge, but the bitch was stubborn.

_'_Anything_ but this,'_ I pleaded. I'd rather do some time in Juvy. Well, maybe not _that_, but I certainly wasn't expecting this shit. Fuck her.

Fuck everything.

Fuck the judge. Fuck this sentence. Fuck this fucking uncomfortable-ass chair I'm sitting in. Fuck all these sorry shits in this waiting room with '_real problems_.'

_"Grimmjow Jaegerjaques?"_

Fuuuuuck meeeee.

I stand up and walk towards the prick holding the door open. He places his arm in front of me and I almost rip it off.

"You can't smoke in here," he says and gestures to the lit butt between my fingers.

I roll my eyes then take one more drag. I blow the smoke in his face then snuff out my cigarette on his clipboard. He looks mortified, but I could care less. I push past him then walk down the hall until he catches up with me. He dusts off his board then points to a room. I walk on. The door is already slightly open so I don't bother knocking. I slip in and I'm greeted by some buff guy sitting behind a desk. He's got scars up the wazoo, and a tight-ass dress shirt on and slacks. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the _fucking_ eye patch. This guy looked like he should be in my place.

"Sit down," he says in a deep and rough voice, nodding to the couch-thing near the window. When I don't immediately listen, it seems like he's about to burst out of his shirt like the Hulk or some shit. _"Sit down,"_ he repeats.

I listen this time because, believe it or not, he's terrifying. I quickly take in everything about the room. I admit, I'm a bit of an analyst. The name plate on his desk reads _'Kenpachi Zaraki.'_ Kind of fucking name is that? I'm one to talk, but still...There are small drawings badly scribbled on notebook paper lying on his desk, but I can't make out what they are.

_He's staring at me._

This office is on like the thirtieth fucking floor, which is why I was so wary of coming here. The place is lost in the sea of buildings downtown.

_He won't stop staring at me._

The sun is starting to go down. I can see it's reflection one the windows across from here. Staring at everything is starting to irritate me. I can't stop my leg from bouncing. I'm getting impatient.

_He won't stop _fucking_ staring at me._

Pray you never see my famous temper boil over. Wait, hold on...

Too late.

Fucking Mortal Combat here opens his mouth slightly and I lose it. A plastic chair is suddenly kicked into the wall.

"No. No, no no no. No no. _No. Nope!"_ I laugh then stand. "Fuck this!" I roughly rub my hands over my face. "I thought I could do this. Fuck no." I swiftly exit the high rise office and get the fuck out of there.

* * *

I am forced to come back the very next day. Once again, for the first five minutes, we stare at each other. MC and I are both analysts, which I hate with all my core.

"You gonna talk or what?" I blurt out angrily.

"Are you going to walk out again? Because I don't plan on wasting my breath," he asks sternly. For once, I don't have anything to say to that, so I just sit back in my chair. "Okay." He opens a yellow folder and his eyes begin to skim quickly. "Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. Currently 16 years of age. Charged with Aggravated Assault and sentenced to 16 weeks of Emotional Counseling and Psychotherapy. Diagnosed with severe PTSD—"

"Shut your fucking mouth. None of that's true. Lies. All of it," I snap when I hear the last bit. I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me.

_"Okay_..." MC slams the folder closed and drops it on his desk. "Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. 16 years of age. Self-riteous, underaged asshole who is convinced the world is against him. Diagnosed with severe Cliché Syndrome. That sound about right?" A sly smirk finds it's way to his mouth and I want to punch his teeth in. "I can tell who you are just by looking at you." I shout and jump over his desk to grab him. He grabs me instead and slams me down on his desk with my arm yanked behind me.

"Don't fucking say that like—" I start.

"Like I _fucking know you?_ Oh, but I already do, Grimmjow. I read you."

"You don't know shit!" I shout then groan when he pulls my arm again. "You therapists are all the same! _'And how does that make you feel?'_ Tch. Like that question will draw out something from them. All I am to you is another paycheck," I snap and try to squirm away. "You have no idea what the fuck anybody has been through!" Zaraki goes silent for about two seconds and I feel triumphant. But those two seconds of triumph soon pass.

"You're right. You aren't anything more than a paycheck to me. And a well written one at that," I can hear the smirk in his voice. "Wanna know where that money goes? To my seven year old daughter. Who I had to fight fucking tooth and nail for to take her away from her drugged up mother who wouldn't think twice about selling her just to get her next fix." When I heard that, my body lost some of its tension. I was stunned. I mean, who wouldn't be after hearing that? Zaraki releases me and tosses me back in my chair. "So, before you go off on a stereotype, remember this: everyone has been through something. Life isn't good enough to go through without a scratch." My eyes flicker to his numerous scars then I look away.

"And lets get another thing straight. Regular therapists and psychotherapists are two different things. _Regular_ therapists are there for people who haven't seen the world for what it really is. _Psycho_therapists are there for people who have gone through hell itself, and weren't able to return unscathed." I find myself actually taking his heavy-weighted words to heart. "I am here to crack open that little skull of yours, using any means necessary, see why you did what you did, and determine whether or not you're fit for the public." MC walks back around to his desk and sits in his chair. "So tell me, _Grimmjow_, what hell have you gone through?"

That question intimidated me more than it should have. I just might have to swallow my pride here. Is he really going to help me? I mean, no one's really there to help anybody. We all get some personal gain out of helping others one way or another. That's just the way this sick, selfish world works.

Right?

* * *

**So I didn't start the main storyline here because I didn't want to expose too much in the first bit. It's sort of a prologue in a way.**

**I can hear Milan yelling at me now:**

**_That's not how it happened! I totally kicked that bitch's ass!_**

**Sure you did, Milan. XD**

**Well, what did you think? Tell me in a review!**

**R&R, please!**

**_~EMAE_**


	2. Chapter 1: The Whole Story?

**A/N: Hello!**

Just putting up the first chapter along with the prologue.

Enjoy! :3

* * *

_I wake up_

_It's a bad dream_

_No ones on my side_

_I've been fighting_

_But I just feel too tired to be fighting_

_Guess I'm not the fighting kind_

**_-Keane 'A Bad Dream'_**

* * *

I don't know why I'm so stubborn.

Heredity maybe?

I don't talk, not even after Zaraki asks me to.

I think I'm waiting for him to crack.

For him to give up like everyone else does.

If he gets impatient enough, he'll sign off my 16 weeks out of pure frustration.

_16 fucking weeks._

That's four fucking months. My whole summer and the beginning of my junior year.

Maybe if I just sit here, my hours will go by faster.

Then I can get back to my sorry excuse for a life.

"Y'know, even if we sit here all day, you won't get time off until I sign for it," Zaraki states.

Fuck.

Something told me that wouldn't work.

"Hm," I grunt in response.

"Are we gonna move forward? I still get my fucking paycheck either way, but not for avoiding my job."

I can only hear my breathing.

He doesn't understand.

He doesn't understand how much I don't want to talk.

He doesn't understand that I don't think I can.

I don't think I need to, anyway. I don't think I'm crazy.

Well, maybe I'm a little crazy, but that's my own goddamn business.

"I can't tell anyone, if that's what you're worried about." His voice softens but I still say nothing. "Look, Grimm—" I flinch unintentionally and swallow my saliva.

"Don't call me that," I almost whisper.

"Why?"

"Just...don't."

He writes something down.

"Okay. Grimmjow, I don't think you're sick. Honestly, you're just like me when I was your age. You just need a little self-control. I can't fix your problems. But I can help you find some peace at least."

"How?" I scoffed.

"I don't know yet." He's telling the truth. I can tell. "But we can find out. Just tell me."

"Tell you what?" I sit up and ask.

"Anything. Everything. Whatever is on your mind. Tell me your whole story." Zaraki gestures over to the couch near the window again and I look to it.

This is a total waste of time.

"You swear you won't tell anyone?"

"I can't say shit unless it's crucial to your health or the law. But even then I might not say a word." I swallow my pride and stand. I make my way over to the couch and try to get comfortable.

Laying down helps.

I feel like my mind kind of levels out when I lay like this. I sigh heavily.

"You sure you want to hear the _whole_ story?" I turn my head and ask him.

"We'll start from there."

_..._

_I feel like it started around birth._ _Yep. That far back. I had both loving parents, and a pretty good life. But even as a screaming, shitting baby, I knew something was wrong. I'd cry and cry all the time. Like I wasn't _ever_ happy._

_I feel like it was a sort of premonition._

_You know how you're not supposed to remember anything when you're a baby?_

_I remembered _everything_._

_They always used to talk about what a good looking kid they made. Especially dad._

_I loved my mom. Can't really remember what she looked like, though. But I didn't sense a problem with her._

_But when I was around my dad, things were different. When I got my very first baby tooth, I broke it off biting his arm. Then I cried again. As I got older, I didn't treat him as bad. We got along well enough, and when I was a little older, I figured that things were tense because they had me at a young age._

_Maybe he was still learning how to be a good dad._

_Oddly, I remember lots of strangers too. When I was a baby, they'd be in my room all the time. I don't remember faces or voices, but I remember looking up at them from my crib. People would stay for hours and just look. Didn't know why, I was just a baby. When I was around four, they started taking pictures. Nothing much, just me lying on my bed, or even doing my preschool homework. They'd talk to me, about me, about my homework, if I needed help._

_"No thank you," I'd answer in a squeaky-ass voice and keep tracing my shapes. They talked mostly about my hair for some reason._

_I didn't know._

_Things were still tense around dad. I tried to stay with mom most of the time. She was so gentle and sweet. I looked nothing like her, but I didn't care because she was my mommy. I hid behind her always. Like she could protect me from some invisible evil._

_Oh, how naïve I was._

_It was almost my seventh birthday when things got strange._

_"What are you doing?" Dad's hand was on mine._

_"Helping you write. Can't have chicken scratch, can we?"_

_"I guess not..." I didn't argue. His hand was too warm as it pulled mine along. We wrote my name in a fine trail of cursive. The 'w' ended in a perfect curve._

_"Good job, Grimm," he ran his hand too softly through my hair then walk away when mom came into the kitchen._

_It was weird, but I didn't tell her._

_For my birthday, I wanted to go out with mom. Only her. But he had to come too. I had to sit by him for everything. I think mom figured out he was acting weird because they argued that night. Hearing it made me angry. I stayed in my room when they shouted at each other. Then things quieted down. I could hear mom sobbing, and his voice was softer, as if he was comforting her. Her eyes shiny, she told me she had to work late. I went to bed early since I didn't want him to tuck me in._

_I was sleep when my door opened._

_He shook my shoulder. Harder and harder until I woke up._

_"Hm?" I was tired and had trouble falling asleep. It was summer time and the heat was rediculous. I didn't bother putting on a shirt. His eyes watched me as I sat up, the sheet falling from my torso. His tongue darted out to wet his lips._

_Weird._

_"Hey, Grimm. Have a good birthday?" I raised an eyebrow._

_"I guess," I said through a small yawn._

_"That's good," he patted my leg. "Listen, can you help me with something?" He asked._

_"With what?"_

_"A secret mission."_

_I was such a stupid fucking kid._

_"Really?" My eyes lit up._

_"Yep. But I have to test you first. Do you think you're ready, Grimm?" I nodded. "Can you help dad?" Another eager nod. With a smile he picked me up and sat me on his lap, my back to his chest. His hands were warmer as they rubbed my stomach and pulled at my pajamas. I didn't like the feeling._

_"What—"_

_"You have to be quiet, Grimm. It's a secret mission, remember?" I nodded again._

_"Okay."_

_"Shh..." Something was stiff in his lap._

_I didn't know._

_I was so young._

_Just a stupid seven-year-old._

_He...He..._

_..._

I stand up and rush to the trash can near Zaraki's desk. I grab my knees and bend over, my stomach heaving. He moves to assist me, but before he can my throat burns, and everything comes up. The ache in my throat won't go away, and I feel like crying. Tears brim in my eyes but I don't let them fall.

No one can ever see me cry.

My whole body is shaking as it tries to recover.

"God...he wouldn't stop _touching_ me...stop fucking touching me..." I mumble hysterically.

_Thanks for helping daddy out. You passed the test, Grimm._

I throw up harder this time.

"Jesus fuck, Grimmjow. _Stop,"_ Zaraki rubbed my back in circles as I wheezed. "If it hurts, stop fucking talking about it."

I can't.

"It didn't stop there," I say, staring into the trash can of vomit. "People came. They _paid_. Just to touch me. My hair, my body. Then it went further. If they paid enough..." I cover my mouth in fear of puking again.

Mom must've heard me screaming.

She must have.

She saw me.

I saw her crying at the door the first time.

But she didn't stop it.

She didn't stop any of them.

_..._

_After he touched me, I didn't eat at all. I started the 1st grade not talking or eating. The adults thought I had an eating disorder, brain damage even._

_Basically._

_The other kids would tease me and call me 'Blue Goo,' on account of me puking up one time in class just thinking about it._

_But they didn't know. None of them did._

_They covered my mouth because I wouldn't stop screaming._

_I kicked him, but he held my hips down._

_"One feisty kid ya got," the bastard chuckled._

_I heard my mother sob._

_"Just hurry up," dad said with a scowl and hugged mom._

_They left me in there after taking the money._

_Why?_

_It hurt so bad._

_My mother cleaned me up everytime. She'd wipe away the blood and residue off my body._

_Give me a warm bath._

_Sing to me._

_Hold me._

_Lull me to sleep._

_Even in all this, she was a mother._

_But I couldn't sleep._

_After dad...I never slept._

_And if I did, it was only if I passed out from exauhstion._

_That was the only circumstance where I let myself rest._

_ At least I'd be sent to a hospital, somewhere I could be watched._

_No one could touch me._

_Five years._

_On and on, it went unnoticed for five years._

_Dad bought me a bike for my 12th year._

We had enough money now.

_I'd wanted one for a long time, since I was 5. I already knew how to ride one._

_I did have one friend._

_Can't remember his name._

_He taught me, so I didn't need training wheels._

_Dad took me to the park to ride my new bike._

_What I hated the most was that they tried to make everything fucking normal._

_I wouldn't touch the damn thing._

_We were there until it was dark._

_I was suddenly up against a tree._

_My shirt was being fondled upwards._

_"You've grown up so well, Grimm," dad whispered. My throat closed up. "Your body is changing." His hands touch the newly grown hair in my pants. "Beautiful."_

_Nope._

_I kicked him._

_I kicked his face, his stomach, his dick._

_Everywhere._

_Then I got on that motherfucking blue bike and hauled ass down the street._

_I could hear him calling me._

_His voice almost made me lose my balance and fall._

_It sounded so near._

_But I wouldn't look back._

_..._

"Fucking hell..."

Yeah. Rough, ain't it?

"..." I stopped talking after that. I watched Zaraki write. But I didn't mind. He said he wouldn't tell anyone.

"Still don't think I'm sick?" I ask, my voice hoarse. His face hardens.

"Absolutely not."

There's a knock on the door.

"Zaraki-san? Your 7 o'clock is here." That prick from the lobby says.

"Reschedule," he instantly replies.

He wants to hear more.

But I don't want him to.

I get up and walk out of his office.

I told him.

_Everything_.

I made myself vulnerable.

It's the worst feeling.

* * *

**Poor Grimm.**

**Therapy eventually helps, though.**

**So, should I continue? Let me know!**

**R&R, please!**

**_~EMAE_**


	3. Chapter 2: Taken In

**A/N: I'm actually just glad that I got response. :3 It wasn't much, but feedback is feedback to me. I thought this would be such an unsuccessful story.**

**Thank you all so much.**

**I hope you guys like this chapter.**

**Enjoy! :3**

* * *

Tell myself on the ride home.

Getting tired, hating all I've known.

Holding on like it's all I have.

_**-Acceptance 'Different'**_

* * *

I practically begged not to go back to therapy.

I'm pretty sure I made myself look like a punk-bitch by spilling the beans about my past.

And if there's one thing I'm not, it's a punk-bitch.

How many punk-bitches do you know that got charged with aggravated assault at 16?

Anyways, I fought tooth and nail to stay away from that place. For a whole week and a half I avoided going. I knew I'd never get my 16 weeks done, but I seriously had no fucks to give about that. I didn't want Zaraki looking at me. He'd no doubt look at me _that_ way. With pity in his eyes and say 'Oh, I'm so sorry.'

I don't need anyone's fucking pity.

I'm not helpless.

I don't need a fucking hug everytime I remember my past.

I just need to puke it out a bit and I'll be fine. That's how I handle my shit.

Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not bulimic or anything. I don't induce the shit.

It's just a natural cure for me.

And talking about it in fucking therapy won't solve anything.

So believe me when I say I'm pissed off that I'm here again.

When I'm called, I stand and head to Zaraki's office. He's filling shit out so I just silently slip inside.

"Sorry I'm late," I mumble then sit down.

"It's fine. I knew you'd be back," Zaraki replies knowingly. Smug bastard. There goes my temper already.

"I didn't want to come here, y'know!" I shout angrily. "I don't have a fucking choice!"

"Fucking _chill_, " He commands and keeps writing. "I know. It's court ordered." I calm down and sit back in my chair. "And I know why you're angry. You don't want me to pity you. Don't worry, I won't. That'll only make you go soft."

What is he now, a fucking psychic?

"Whatever," I respond. "Let's talk or whatever so I can get the hell out of here."

"Where do you have to go? There can't possibly be anything more important than this," he mocks me. "And why were you late?"

"Uh..."

Well, I wasn't going to tell him I was ditching for a week and a half.

C'mon, the dude looked like he'd snap me in half. If you saw Zaraki, you wouldn't even tell him you...stepped on an _ant_ if it belonged to him. There'd be no saying 'there are so many other fucking ants!'

No.

He'd bust your lip if you fucked with his ant.

_"Well?"_

"Kisuke had me stocking some new stuff today," I lie.

"You have a job? Where do you work?" He pulls his notepad.

"This little shop called Phernalia," Zaraki raises an eyebrow at me. "Stupid, I know. It's just paraphernalia without the 'para.' It pisses me off. I've never asked Kisuke about it, though."

"Kisuke? Is that your boss?"

"Well, yes and no. Kisuke owns the place and I've lived there since I was 12. He and Yoruichi were appointed my legal guardians in court. But Yoruichi is more like my boss."

"Hm," he writes something else down and I assume it's their names. "Tell me about them. How did you meet?"

My eyebrows knit together as I think deeply. I have to choose my words carefully about them. They are in the small group of people who are special to me.

"Well, I met Yoruichi first, and she just...I don't know...She—She just sorta..._found_ me...I guess."

* * *

_When I ran away from home, I didn't stop._

_As far as I was concerned, I'd make sure I'd never have a reason to ever look back._

_I didn't have any friends, no attachments, nothing._

_I didn't know how far I'd gone, I just knew I'd been pedaling nonstop for three days straight. I was tired, but my brain kept telling me that my father was seconds away from grabbing my hoodie and pulling me off my bike. And that made me pedal faster. I soon found myself in some shady town I'd never heard of._

_It was worse than my old neighborhood._

_And that was saying something._

_My family lived in a small house that I now realize was a shack._

_No wonder so many twisted fucks found the place._

_Before I knew it, I was pushed off my bike by some older kids. They shoved me into a gross puddle and I didn't even try to stop them from taking it. I was still lost in my trance. I couldn't even see them because the rain and clouds were so thick. As the sky grew darker, I grew hungrier._

_But there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it._

_I'd left home without food or money. And I had no idea where I was. Helpless and exhausted, I found the nearest alley and hid beside a dumpster. I wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my face in them._

_I was so tired. I rested right there until morning._

_Rested, not slept._

_I never sleep._

_I assumed no one saw me since no one fucked with me at all. When the rain had cleared up, I started walking, not in any particular direction though. After a few days, I noticed I had lost a few pounds. I'd been reduced to skin and bones. And that wasn't much less than I was as a scrawny pre-teen._

_But I was hungry._

_I hated the empty feeling._

_I hated myself for feeling empty._

_I hated..._

_I couldn't say it._

_As easy as it should have been, I just couldn't say it._

_At that point it should've been fucking _easy_ to hate my parents._

_I should've been able to want to murder them then dance on their graves._

_Even though they were the ones who made me. Even though I'd depended on them ever since I could cry and shit on myself._

_Is it easy to hate ones parents? I was never a spoiled kid who threw tantrums and 'hated' their parents because I didn't get my choice of cereal._

_My parents didn't really give me a lot of choices anyway, if you get my drift._

You take what's coming to you.

_That's the one lesson learned in my house._

_But hey, they weren't totally strict, right? I mean, I got to pick the color of my bike._

Haha.

_Though, I did want my father to die._

_But I couldn't. I just _couldn't_ bring myself to hate my mom._

_Yeah, she had given into my sick shit of a father and solicited my body for money, but she loved me like I was still her precious gift from God._

_I loved her even more because I was far from a gift._

_I had been tainted. Defiled. I didn't think I was worth loving anymore._

_But she did anyway._

_My thoughts were so twisted._

_I loved her so much, but I wanted to see her suffer severely for lying to me. She said she'd alway protect me._

_No, I wasn't going to cry in an empty fucking alley._

_Back to me being hungry._

_I was on the verge of starvation._

_So I made a plan._

_First step: Steal a knife from a butcher's shop._

_Almost got myself killed, but I had to do something._

_Raw meat was no good to me, so I decided I'd start robbing people. The city I was in was a really nice one. The people there dressed like they were rich, so this place would be perfect. But I wasn't looking for money. I just wanted food. So I did what any smart food-mugger would. I headed to the nearest supermarket and waited._

_Second step: Rob unsuspecting shopper on their way out._

_It wasn't a very long wait._

_A dark-skinned woman with long purple hair and an orange jogging suit came out of the store with a few bags in her hands. I licked my lips in anticipation. She didn't look much bigger than I was. My growth spurt hadn't hit yet, so I was still only about 4'10". When she got near enough, I approached her._

_Now mind you, robbery victims are usually more scared of you than you are of them._

_It was the other way around this go._

_I held the knife out at her. She looked around then pointed at herself. I couldn't bring myself to talk. I didn't want to do this to this lady, but I wouldn't let myself starve to death._

_"Boy, are you lost or something?" She asked then started laughing._

_It must've been obvious I didn't know what I was doing._

_I blushed angrily then ran at her. She quickly grabbed my arm and twisted it behind me. I screamed then fell to the moist ground. I hoped it was going to rain because I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I was so hungry and tired. And this lady would probably take me to the police._

_They'd contact my parents._

_I'd be sent back to them._

_I couldn't let that happen._

_"I'm sorry!" I sobbed underneath her._

_"Hm?"_

_I surprised us both._

_I don't talk. _Ever_._

_I used to scream a lot. From...well, y'know. But one day I just stopped._

_I just started letting it happen._

_There was nothing I could do anyways._

_No help would come._

_The most noise I would make was an occasional squeak of pain that drowned in the sounds of my creaking bed, but even that stopped. Everyone assumed I had gone mute completely. I didn't even talk to myself._

_But the truth was that I was afraid._

_And in this moment, I was afraid to end up back home._

Gawd_, I was a pussy 12-year-old._

_"Please, don't take me to the police," I pleaded. My voice was gruff, but squeaky. Damn my developing vocal cords. I practically whispered I was so scared._

_"Kid, I—"_

_"They'll send me home...I can't go home." She released my arm then stood up. I remained facing the ground. I couldn't look at her._

_"Look, kid. I'm not going to call the police." I looked up at her, dumbfounded. Her golden eyes were glowing in the dim light of the retreating sun. There was something in them, but I couldn't put my finger on it. "Calling the cops would just be an inconvenience for me. I'll give you some advice instead, be a little smarter about picking your victims. The next person may not be as nice as I am." She was referring to the way she took me down. The next person could kill me if they wanted._

_"Thank you," I blurted out. She deftly smacked my head and I held it._

_"That's 'thank you, _ma'am.'" _She corrected me._

_"Thank you, ma'am," I mumbled and rubbed the sore spot in my hair. She smiled. It looked warm._

_Like it'd probably burn me._

_"That's better." The lady swiftly picked up her grocery bags and walked to her car._

_Well, that whole plan was fucked._

_I sat unmoving on the pavement. The sky above me crackled and boomed loudly. It startled me. I'd have to find some cover before the rain started. I stood up and looked down at the knife I stole. I picked it up then walked in the opposite direction._

_"Hey! Get rid of that knife and c'mon!" I turned around and the woman was waving at me to come over to her._

_For some reason I listened._

_She opened the passenger door and I just stood there looking at her._

_The rain started out heavy._

_"You slow or something? Get in!" I shook my head._

_She was a stranger. I didn't know her._

_This woman was batshit crazy if she thought I was getting in the car with her._

_But I was foolish thinking I had a choice._

_She grabbed my hand yanked me into the car, throwing the knife out the window and speeding away from the supermarket. I sneezed violently and remembered that I was soaking wet._

_"We better get you somewhere dry," the lady spoke gently then turned on the heater. "What's your name?" I didn't respond. I didn't feel as scared as I did before, but I still didn't know this woman. "Do you live nearby?" Still no answer. I assumed she realized I wasn't talking because she finally shut up. But I was wrong. "I'm Yoruichi Shihouin. But you call me Yoruichi-san. A woman needs her respect, y'know." She laughed and kept driving. "Just tell me your name, kid. I'm not going to murder you."_

_I guess it wouldn't hurt._

_"Grimmjow." I barely said it at all. But she heard me._

_"Hm. That's a unique name. Is it foreign?" I just shrugged one shoulder. I still wasn't comfortable talking. "Have a last name?"_

_"Jaegerjaques."_

_"Whoa, that _must_ be foreign. But, it's kinda cool! I like it."_

_Conversations are weird._

_Why is she so talkative?_

_The car stopped and she opened her door._

_"C'mon out."_

_She gestured for me to follow and I hesitantly did. We're at some small house and the lights are all out. Yoruichi knocked on the door and I heard a few sounds inside. A few lights turned on. Someone walked to the door. A tall man with disheveled shaggy blond hair answered._

_"Yoruichi? What the hell are you doing here this late?" He asked in a laid back voice._

_"I was out getting groceries and this one tried to rob me," Yoruichi replied simply. I looked to the ground in shame. "His name's Grimmjow. He needs a place to stay." I turned around and looked at her like she was crazy. Her face was completely serious though. I turned back to the man to deny what she'd said, but he looked like he was actually contemplating it._

_These two were crazy._

_I was a strange kid with no story and they were ready to just give me a place to stay._

_"Alright." He waved for me to follow him and Yoruichi pushed me inside._

_It was much bigger inside than I'd thought. There were shelves and racks everywhere, but I couldn't see them in the dark. We climbed a few stairs and entered another part of the place. This must've been a living space. A light flickered on to the side of me and we stopped. A boy stood near a sink holding a bottle. He had long red hair and surprisingly tattoos on his arms and forehead. On his arm was a small crying baby with a full head of the same thick crimson hair._

_"What're you doing up, Renji?" Kisuke asked him._

_"Jinta was crying," the boy responded. His eyes looked tired and he had dark circles under them like Kisuke's. I probably didn't look much better than they did._

_"You want me to take him?" Renji's eyes drifted to me._

_"No. I got him." Kisuke nodded then tapped my arm. We began walking again._

_"So who're the kids?" Yoruichi asked as we walked._

_"My sister's," he answered with a sigh. "She just left them at the door a few hours ago with no food or even a basket for the little one. I was lucky I had clothes for them and formula." Kisuke stopped and rubbed the back of his neck in a stressful way. "I thought she was doing better, but..."_

_"Kisuke. You need to sleep," Yoruichi said gently. She sounded concerned. "Let me take care of the boys. I'll let you rest."_

_"I don't sleep, you know that." My eyes widened._

_He doesn't sleep either._

_So maybe I'm not weird._

_"I know. But just relax or something." She pushed him into a room then lead me to another. "C'mon, Grimm."_

_I stopped in my tracks._

_"Don't call me that."_

_I probably sounded like a little asshole. But I don't care._

_I don't like that._

_"Okay." She doesn't question me. I'm glad. "You stay here. I'm going to find you some clothes and run you a bath. It's too late to eat, but I'll give you a little something then there'll be a big breakfast in the morning. Kay?" I nodded and she left._

_The room I'm in is small, but I didn't really care. I was just glad to be inside. There was a small futon on the floor, I was almost tempted to collapse on it. There's one window. The moon is right in the middle of it. It soothes my body like the sun would. I sit down on the futon, and, for the first time in months..._

_I sleep._

* * *

A loud alarm goes off on Zaraki's desk.

It startles me out of my thoughts.

"What's that for?" I ask.

"It's for my break. Forget it. Keep talking," he insists. "Who's the Renji kid?"

His pen never left the paper he had.

I don't feel as bad about telling him more.

I can't tell if it feels good, or if my brain is betraying me and I'm actually fucking myself over.

"No. I have to go anyway. And...just to be sure...You can't tell _anyone_ this, right? Not even the part about my parents?"

"Well...in the case of your parents, I'm supposed to report something like that to child services..." Anger boils up inside me. He lied. "But I'll only do it if you want me to."

The anger subsides.

Maybe I can trust this guy.

"Thanks. I just, need a break from court for a minute," I run my hand through my hair.

"Okay. Well, we'll continue this tomorrow?" Zaraki asks.

"Yeah."

"Wow, that was easy. Counseling has tamed you." He chuckles.

"Shut the fuck up."

Talking about Kisuke and Yoruichi always tames me.

They serve as a place holder for the parents I never really had.

So why wouldn't they.

* * *

**Just to be clear, Grimmjow doesn't spill everything in his memories. Things like a crush or a first kiss, experiences that are important to him or even the traumatizing ones, he doesn't tell. When he tells Kenpachi his story, he doesn't go into full detail. Grimmjow just wouldn't do that. He tells as much as he needs to and stops there.**

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! The next one will be up soon!**

**R&R, please!**

**_~EMAE_**


	4. Chapter 3: Taken In pt 2

**A/N: Hey guys!**

**I'm back!**

**This chapter is like a continuation to the last because putting it all in one would be too long.**

**I really like writing this story.**

**Enjoy! :3**

* * *

_We all have a weakness_

_But some of ours are easy to identify._

_Look me in the eye_

_And ask for forgiveness;_

_We'll make a pact to never speak that word again_

_Yes you are my friend._

_..._

_We all have a sickness_

_That cleverly attaches and multiplies_

_No matter how we try._

_We all have someone that digs at us,_

_But at least we dig each other_

_**-Incubus 'Dig'**_

* * *

As I walk home, the never ending sounds of cicadas and the heat of the beaming sun really remind me why I hate the summer time.

There, I said it.

I hate summer.

Summer is awful.

Everyone's sweating and sticky, and you can't say a normal hello without getting snapped at.

I'll admit I get a little snappier during summer too, but I'm not just plain unpleasant.

The worst part is my birthday is in the summer. Whoop-dee-doo.

Another reason I hate summer is because Yoruichi and Kisuke make me work harder.

_"It's important to stay active,"_ Kisuke would say and fan himself in the shade while I load in the new shipments.

_Bastard._

I walk up to the shop and step in, the bell ringing and air conditioner blasting in my face.

"So how're things going?" Urahara asks as I pass him. I shrug and continue on to my room. "You get any hours off?" I nod and plop down on my bed. "Ah-ah-ah, Grimmjow. You know better!" He says in a singsong voice.

"Urahara!" I shout.

"What? We've got some shipments to bring in!"

"You mean _I've_ got some shipments to bring in."

"Exactly!" He holds up his stupid little fan and yanks me out of bed by my shirt. "Now c'mon. The faster you do it, the sooner you'll be done."

I reluctantly get up and follow him outside. The truck is waiting for me and Jinta and I begin unloading everything. Urahara's shop is something you don't see everyday. It has two floors. Well, three, if you count the _huge_ basement. The top floor is for music and video games, the ground floor for comics and movies and books, and the basement for anything else you might need. Toilet paper, clothing, groceries, you name it.

If you can, he's probably got it.

My room is on the top floor.

It's my favorite part of the place.

The bell to the store rings. Urahara gets up and goes to greet whoever it is. I look and immediately turn back around. I slide to the ground and fold my legs up to my chest. I bury my head in my knees then shut my eyes.

I can't look at him.

Not after what's happened.

Urahara gets whatever he asks for then tells him to come back soon.

Personally, I hope he doesn't.

But he will.

Not sure why.

But he will.

"Thanks," I hear his lazy voice and feel completely guilty. I sense his eyes on me, and I just hang my head.

I must look so disgusting to him now.

Like a pitiful wad of filth.

I feel that way sometimes.

I grip my hair roughly and shut my eyes tighter.

I can hear my father's voice again.

Telling me I'm so vile.

When mom wasn't around, he'd hit me and call me rotten.

I was rancid. Like bile when you're about to throw up.

_You're defiling this house with evil._

He was in this weird cult.

_But you're so beautiful._

Some people who came for me were in it too. Mom didn't like it, so he kept it a secret.

_So tempting._

He was such a liar. He was fucking crazy.

_I should kill you right now. Stop this evil from spreading._

This wasn't religion. Mom believed in religion. She knew what they were doing to me was wrong in the eyes of _'God.'_

But she wasn't right in the head. She had demons.

_Our kid is so good. You're a good boy. Daddy loves you, Grimm._

If I can still hear their voices, I've got them too.

Too many thoughts.

They dig at me everyday with sharp-edged spades.

They dig and dig and dig, prying open my brain and crawling inside to torment me.

"Grimmjow..." Kisuke is lightly shaking my shoulder. Hearing my name makes me grip my hair tighter. "Grimmjow, you okay?" I nod slowly.

"Grimmjow's brain is full," Jinta says.

Even the five-year-old knows I'm a basket case.

"That true?" I nod again. "You want to go get your music?"

I listen and quickly run up to my room. Underneath my pillow is my old iPod. Kisuke gave it to me the first night I was here. I wouldn't stop crying and he just gave it to me. He didn't tell me what was on it, but I never let it go. All the sounds block everything else out of my head. I refuse to take any of the drugs I was administered for my _'condition.'_

They thought that since I was a teenager, maybe I'd take reefer instead.

I won't, but I'm starting to think about it now.

My playlist begins, and I slide down beside my bed.

Bach and Chopin fill my ears.

They are my best friends.

Yeah...I don't make a lot of friends, so dead guys are my best shot.

As instrumentals block out everything, I get up and walk around my room. It's filling up too quickly for my liking. My shelves have countless books between two big speakers. Paintings—replicas and some of my own—are stacked next to my bed. Rock band posters and old records, comics and poetry books, manga and mythology studies.

I know it's weird, but it's me.

I have all these things, but I still fail in school.

I don't know, I just don't care about school.

It's boring.

I like stuff I can't understand.

Then I get the challenge of figuring it out.

Kisuke says I'm like him.

He's smart as a motherfucker, probably one of the greatest minds on earth.

On the night before my trial, he read a whole book on the law and served as my attorney.

He has countless degrees.

But Kisuke hides his brain. I get that habit from him.

He knows me.

Whenever I have an incident, his voice is gentle when he talks.

He knows.

He's the only one who knows everything.

While I'm calming down, he brings me some soda. I drink it then get back to work. He rejoins me later.

"Renji's coming back this weekend," Urahara utters.

I almost drop the box I'm holding.

"Really?"

"Yeah. He's coming to visit you. See how you're doing after...well, y'know."

* * *

"So Renji is..." Zaraki rolls the full sheet of paper over to a new one.

"He's Kisuke's nephew. But he's also one of the closest friends I've had," I tell him. The thought of him coming back makes me smile a bit.

"Can you tell me about him?"

"Sure."

* * *

_I heard footsteps and expected to see Yoruichi, but it was Renji instead. He still had Jinta on his arm._

_"Are you one of uncle Kisuke's other nephews?" He asked._

_His voice was deeper and smooth, so he must've been older than me, at least by two years._

_I shook my head no._

_"Yoruichi?"_

_I shook my head again._

_"Do you talk?"_

_I shrugged one shoulder and looked to the ground._

_His face twisted and he seemed annoyed._

_But he wasn't._

_"This is my brother Jinta," Renji looked to the sleeping baby on his shoulder. "I'm Renji." He stuck out his free hand._

_The deep creases on his face told me he frowned a lot. Even now, he has a scowl embedded._

_"Grimmjow," I whispered._

_I timidly shook his hand, like he might've broken me._

_I don't know why._

_I usually try to avoid bodily contact, but Renji didn't make me feel scared._

_There was something in him._

_It made him seem kinda like me._

_He sat down and let me hold Jinta. He told me his story._

_His mom liked drugs._

_While she was high, Renji would haul himself here to stay with Kisuke. When his half-brother arrived, he'd haul himself and Jinta here. Kisuke would take care of them until their mom came to get them._

_She tried to sell Jinta, but Renji stopped her. She cried and brought them here a few hours ago then ran out._

_I felt his pain, and we became best friends._

_We used to argue a lot. He'd usually get the blame._

_We'd do all the shop work together and I'd help him take care of Jinta._

_He even saved me from drowning at the lake once._

_We had dirt clod wars in the grass behind the shop. There was about half a mile of it. That's where we spent most of our time._

_About a year after my arrival, we were, as the saying goes, thick as thieves._

_No one could tear us apart._

_But...things changed after a while._

_It'd been almost a year, so I was nearing 13 and he was 15._

_Both of us were going through it, but I was never taught how to deal with it._

_Renji kissed me while we were playing in the grass._

_It was my first kiss._

_Well, my first _real_ kiss._

_It was nothing. Just a light peck on the lips._

_But I pushed him off and told him he was gross._

_I felt a heavy pressure in my crotch._

_I didn't know what to do._

_I was scared and confused and I didn't even know if I liked _girls_, let alone guys._

_I'd assumed it was because I grew my hair down to my mid-back that summer._

_Maybe he kissed me because I looked like a girl._

_So I cut my long blue locks short and apologized a week later because we hadn't been hanging out._

_But he kissed me again._

_And I kissed back this time._

_It became a cycle._

_We'd kiss on the grass when no one was looking._

_At night we'd sneak into the hallway and sit on the floor._

_We tongue-kissed one time. It felt slimy and I didn't like it, but I did it anyway._

_I wasn't holding a crush for Renji, nor he one for me._

_We were just like the kid-version of fuck buddies. Only with kissing._

_He was my best friend who I could kiss if I wanted to._

_When I was about to turn 14, he left._

_He told Kisuke he wanted to help his mom. Kisuke said he'd take care of Jinta, and Renji would always have a place to stay._

_I was sad that he left._

_He was my only friend._

* * *

"You guys were really close."

"Yep. I haven't seen the bastard in four years."

_We're closer than you'll ever know,_ I think with a smirk.

"And he's coming back today?" Zaraki asks. I nod quickly then look at the clock on the wall.

"Shit. I gotta go, he should be there by now. We can start again on Monday," I say then run out the door.

I practically speed down the street towards home.

_Renji's back,_ I kept repeating in my head.

My eyes water a bit.

I'll finally have someone to talk to.

I want to hear about everything he's done.

But he probably wants the same of me...

I don't want to tell him anything, but it may end up happening anyway.

I mean, he is _Renji_.

When I get home, Urahara is reading as usual.

"He's down by the lake," he says knowing I'm about to ask.

I take off my shoes then run for the lake.

I won't get in though.

I still can't swim and I'm afraid of deep water.

Sue me.

I sit on the bank and cross my legs. I can see him swimming clearly. The lake is about two miles from Urahara's shop. I always wondered how he owned so much land. It's right behind the half-mile of grass and is one of the most beautiful things I've laid my eyes on. The rocks and dirt at the bottom are laced with thick moss and algae, but the water is so clear that you can see everything.

So I know right where Renji is going to come up.

I sneak over to the side of the bank where he's at and squat in front of him. He places his hands on the grass and lifts himself out right before I push his face and he falls back in.

I can't stop laughing.

I fall back and hold my aching stomach.

Messing with Renji has to be the best pass-time in the world.

He splashes around before he regains his balance in the water and his head pops up. His crimson hair is splayed around his head as he wipes his eyes.

"Blue," he growls his nickname for me angrily then swiftly swims my way.

I try to get my strength back from laughing and slowly crawl away from the bank. I get up and start running just as he tackles me to the ground. I flip over and punch his chest as I laugh. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and squeezes, making me wheeze and getting me soaking wet. When we're both exhausted, he lets me go and supports his body over mine. Our breaths are deep as we recover from wrestling.

"I'm better...than you now," I pant.

"Nah...You've just grown stronger," he replies and looks up at me. "You've gotten bigger, too. You're not twig anymore, Blue." I pout when he laughs but realize he's right.

When I first came here, I was a skinny 12-year-old. No more than 60 or 70.

Thank my old home for that.

Now I look like I could pass for his age, my biceps starting to push at the fabric of my shirt and my stomach showing little signs of abs. I don't want to be buff, but I don't want to be anorexic or obese. Though I'm still only 16. I'm healthy enough to play sports, thanks to Yoruichi's hearty meals and Kisukes house labor.

But I'm still shorter and smaller than Renji's 6 foot build.

He's 19 and looks like a fucking brick house.

His hair is longer.

It's real shiny and down to his mid-back.

The locks make a curtain around my head.

I still keep mine short.

He's added to his tattoos. It's a tribal thing from his father I guess. They wrap around his biceps and go down to his abdomen.

_Wait._

I've been staring at him too long.

I realize when I remember the position we're in.

Our first kiss.

His lips are parted as he continues to look back at me.

Something in me—some deep, dormant desire in the pit of my belly—wants to slide my tongue down his throat.

He looks like he's going to do it, and I feel like I want him to, but it's just my imagination packed together with the sweltering heat.

He gets off of me then starts running.

"Race ya back!" He shouts. I quickly follow him with a grin.

He is, and always will be, my one and only fucking best friend.

* * *

**I love Grimmjow and Renji's relationship. They're the kind of best friends that can stop talking for a year, but pick right back up once they see each other again.**

**And there ****_is_**** a slight attraction between them, but it's purely physical. Grimmjow just has his carnal teenage thoughts like the rest of us. XD**

**Hope you liked this chapter!**

**R&R, please!**

**_~EMAE_**


	5. Chapter 4:If It Feels Good, I Don't Care

**A/N: Ahem!**

**Haven't said this in a while...**

**LIGHT SMUT EVERYONE**

**If it makes you uncomfortable, you may skip it if you'd like.**

**But hey, you knew this was M. ;D**

**Thank you all for the support!**

**I just started back up in school and I've been pretty bummed out...but everytime I get a review, I can't help but feel all cheered up! So again thank you for that!**

**Also, excuse Grimmjow's very scatter-brained and hormonal thoughts. XD**

**Enjoy! :3**

* * *

_You can have my isolation._

_You can have the hate that it brings._

_You can have my absence of faith._

_You can have my everything._

_**-Nine Inch Nails 'Closer'**_

* * *

"Renji!" Yoruichi shouts as she tackles him. "Oh, I've missed you so much!"

"I've missed you too," he replies and hugs her.

That night Yoruichi cooks a big dinner. It makes me smile, because it's almost like we're a real family. Renji's the older brother coming home from college or whatever, and we, the family, greet him with open arms and the home-cooked meal he's longed for.

The only thing is, I shouldn't want to fuck my older brother.

I think that most of it is just pent-up anger from the last few weeks of court, but when I'm angry, I also get horny as hell.

My body is just doing it's natural thing right?

Wrong.

I thought about _him_ last night, the one who was in the shop yesterday.

For no fucking reason.

I tried to stop the ache between my legs from growing, but when you're a teenager, and you like someone a lot, there's not much you can do about that.

My brain wouldn't stop.

I quickly jerked myself off then almost broke my iPod out of frustration because I couldn't sleep.

Thinking about him like that makes me feel disgusting.

He probably thinks I'm really gross.

I hate myself for liking him so much...

I haven't had sex in a long time.

Maybe three months.

I went to this party. Well, I was more like dragged there.

This pink-haired kid from school let me fuck him.

I was pissed and he liked that, so we found an empty room in the house.

But he was piss-drunk, and he had a reputation for getting fucked by a lot of people, so it wasn't very good.

He was kinda loose and I can't even remember if I came or not...

But that was the last time...so yeah.

I feel like fucking the shit out of everything to ease my aggressive thoughts.

And it doesn't help that we're all walking around the house shirtless because of the heat.

Everytime Renji walks by I just wanna...

See. This is what I'm talking about.

I probably _shouldn't_ be talking about it because it's pissing me off even more, but it's true.

Renji is still the same, but he's so damn different.

I don't even know how to be around him anymore.

He tells me about his mom again. Things are better but she's still sick. He's angry.

And all I can think about is when he tackled me to the grass yesterday.

I'm so selfish and inconsiderate.

I want him, and I hate myself for it.

He's my best friend.

And I can't just _tell_ him _that_.

I'm not even sure if he knows I'm into guys too. Yeah, we kissed when we were kids, but we were _kids_. It could have easily been a phase.

But it wasn't for me.

Renji's starting to notice I'm staying away from him.

Crap.

Everything is making me angry.

I don't know what to do, but I'm just angry.

That night, I make myself a sandwich in the kitchen.

Everyone else is asleep so it's the perfect time.

Beethoven joins me.

My angry—and hormonal—thoughts die down to a dull buzz.

Until Renji comes downstairs too, then they buzz louder and my heart rate picks up.

He looks angry too, a deep scowl on his face and his fingers scratching his hair.

His mouth moves, but I can't hear him.

I've practiced reading lips for years, though.

"Hey," he grumbles then yawns.

My guts start squirming.

I just nod in return.

He goes to the fridge, makes a sandwich too.

His mouth moves again, but I can't see it so I don't say anything.

I think he knows because he turns around.

"Why're you mad, Blue?" His lips form the words well enough for me to read them so I don't take out my earphones.

I secretly like it when he calls me that.

He didn't just default to _'Grimm'_ like everyone else.

That was actually his first nickname for me.

"I'm always mad," I reply simply then take another bite.

"Me too," he says then sits next to me. I take my earphones out because staring at his lips is making me insane.

"What're you mad about?"

"My mom. She just refuses to get better." He says with a full mouth then runs his fingers through his hair. "You?"

"Everything." When I say it, he looks at me, but I just stare at my sandwich.

I don't want to see the pity.

But his gaze is like a magnet sometimes.

His chocolate eyes seem darker right now. They're full of something familiar, but I can't name it.

Shit, slow the fuck down, Heart. My fucking chest hurts.

I go blank when his lips are on mine.

Oh, it's been _so_ long.

It was a chaste kiss, just lightly on the lips.

But it's enough to make me go brain-dead.

I can't remember how long his lips were there, maybe a few seconds, but then they're gone.

When my system unfreezes, I notice his eyebrows are upturned.

"Sorry," he mumbles then backs away. He keeps his eyes off me.

I know he's thinking about what's happened to me.

How _emotionally unstable_ I must be right now.

He doesn't want to take advantage of me.

But I could fucking care less about that.

Without thinking, I push my face to his.

He's surprised, but he doesn't pull away.

This time, it's a rough kiss. Our tongues glide together swiftly and smoothly. I suck on his lip.

I can taste anger in his mouth. It mixes with mine.

It's fucking _hot_.

Renji stands up and we break. He grabs my wrist and pulls me to his room. He closes the door then kisses me again.

I don't know how, but next thing I know we're on the floor.

His lips are on my neck, my hands are down his boxers. He grinds into my palm and I feel his hardness throb.

My boxers are pulled off.

His boxers are pulled off.

My legs are spread.

His legs move between them.

He unwraps a condom.

I hump his thigh needily as I wait.

I'm almost ashamed that I want him to fuck me so bad.

I didn't realize I'd said that last part out loud until he pushes my legs up to rest on his waist.

"Y-Yeah," he breathes heavily. I guess that was some sort of reply because he thrusts into me. I moan loudly, but he deftly covers my mouth and stops moving.

Ok, I get it. We need to be quiet.

_"Don't fuckin stop."_

I bite into my lip then throw my head back when he pushes back in. His thrusts are so fucking slow, but he uses so much force that we skid across the floor a little.

I can't remember how long it's been, but I know we went at it about three times.

If you would've told me that one day I'd be lying underneath my best friend with my legs spread as he _destroyed my asshole_, I'd call you a sick-minded, dirty fucking liar.

Yet here I am.

And who would've thought Renji was a fucking animal?

Literally, after about an hour of only muffled grunts, he let out the deepest, most guttural moan I'd ever heard. Just hearing it caused me to make a fucking mess all over myself.

When we're done, he pulls out of me and falls on my back. I try to get up and go to my own room, but Renji grabs my arm and holds me down. He shoves his tongue into my mouth roughly and we kiss for a bit. I'm not one for cuddling, and I don't even like Renji like _that_, so I feel weird when he traps my arms and torso in his hold.

But I guess I can't go anywhere with this big ape on me.

* * *

When I wake up, I'm still on the floor. I'm convinced it was a dream, but when I sit up, I feel stiffness around my abdomen.

_Gross_, I think when I look down at the dried substance.

I smell like sex too. The whole room does. Renji's not here, but he had to leave this morning anyway. There's a sheet over me so I assume he put it there. I get up and groan immediately.

_My fucking back hurts._

The idiot didn't even think to put a pillow under me or something?

My ass throbs as I painfully make my way to the shower. The hot water soothes my aches away. When I get out, I head back to my room and see the light blink on my phone. I walk over then unlock it.

_Hey, Blue. About last night...It was great and all but...I got kinda caught up in the moment and I'm sorry I didn't try to stop myself. :/ We still good?_

I roll my eyes.

At least I didn't have to say it. I quickly text back a reply.

_Yes, baka. We were probably both too horny for our own good. Lol. But don't worry about it. I won't trip if you won't. :)_

Good. At least there no feelings involved. I couldn't deal with that.

After that, I go downstairs. Kisuke and Jinta are eating breakfast and I realize I'm starving when my stomach growls. There's already a plate for me so I sit down and shove a whole pancake into my mouth.

"_Morning_, Grimmjow," Kisuke says curtly. I raise my eyebrow at his tone then eat another whole pancake.

"Morning?" I muffle through the food. There's a bit of silence before he speaks up again.

"I know what you and Renji did."

When I hear that, my food catches in my throat making me choke. I push my chair back and cough violently.

_What. The. Fuck._

"Jinta, go watch cartoons," he says then looks at me.

"'Kay." The kid gets up and runs upstairs and I try I catch my breath.

"What?" I pant heavily after getting all my food down.

"Grimmjow, I'm dissappointed in both of you."

"How did you know?..."

"You both were eating like starving animals."

"..." Well I can't say anything that will help the situation, so I just look down and stay quiet.

"Grimmjow... I know things are hard for you right now, but you can't go around using people whenever you want," Kisuke sounded dissappointed, but I didn't think it was that bad.

"We used _each other_, in a way," I mumble with a shrug. "I was mad and he was mad. What's wrong with that?"

"That doesn't make it any better!" He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. "Look, if things are seriously that hard, and therapy isn't making you any happier..." Kisuke reached to the floor behind him then came back up. He tossed something on the table, one medium-sized bag and a small orange bottle.

Inside the bag was green.

Inside the bottle was red

Well, there goes my day.

_"No way."_

"Grimmjow, you have to take one of them. If you don't want to smoke then take the pills."

My skin is getting hot.

"No no no! They make me feel fucking dead, Kisuke!" I shout and stand from the table. "I can't do it anymore!"

"Then you have to take the other. If you don't then this thing will progress."

Here we go.

"What thing!?" I slam my fist down. "Nothing is wrong with me! Why doesn't anyone get that!?"

At this point I'm just lying to myself.

I don't have the kind of PTSD where I cry all the fucking time.

I just blow up.

"I didn't say anything was." His voice is getting tense and I feel like things are about to kick off.

"Then why do I need this stuff? Why can't I just handle things myself!"

"Because what you're doing won't make things go away!"

"And fucking smoking pot will?"

"We won't know unless you try! The doctor said it should help!"

"I don't give a fuck what the _doctor_ said! I don't need to smoke that!" I snap.

"You smoke cigarettes! It's basically the same thing!"

"Well, that's a lie."

"I'm done arguing with you. As long as you're here, you will follow my rules," he tosses me the bag of weed and I toss it right back. I send him a glare then turn to leave. "Grimmjow!"

I don't stop.

He pissed me off and I pissed myself off.

I need to be alone.

It's hot out, so I just throw on a wife-beater and a beanie.

I don't know where I'm gonna go, but I know I'm gonna go somewhere.

_Wait, I know where._

I can't argue with Kisuke. Never again.

The last time I argued with him, we both almost tore the house down with our yelling.

I was in my rebellious stage.

He slammed me into a wall as he threatened me.

He seemed extremely angry, like he hated me.

Yoruichi cried, which was unlike her.

I've never seen her tears before and it made both of us stop.

Kisuke comforted her, I sat over in the corner as I watched them.

After she angrily left, he turned to me, his eyes softer and full of regret.

I don't know why I gave him such a hard time.

I guess it was because I knew he didn't _really_ want me there. The only reason he even agreed to take me in was because of Yoruichi. He thinks no one knows, but I can tell he's deeply in love with her. He would do anything she asked for.

And letting me stay was one of them.

But eventually I did learn that Kisuke cared about me.

I learned in the worst possible way, accompanied with a slap, might I add.

I can't ever argue that hard with him again, though.

If I did I just might end up destroying myself.

It's weird thinking about it, but I love Kisuke too much to put him through that again.

I know he's only looking out for me, and he's worried I might do something that I will regret.

He thinks I'll get too attracted to Renji and end up hurting us both and messing everything up.

But that's absurd.

I know I don't have any feelings for Renji because I don't even feel the slightest tingle in my right brain when I think of him.

The right brain controls emotion, creativity, colors, things like that.

All things I'm losing touch with.

I don't feel like I used to.

I hardly ever paint anymore.

I fail to see the color and vibrancy in the world around me.

Everything feels like a dream.

Will I ever wake up?

I just want to be normal.

I don't want to be smart anymore.

I don't want to be a spaz.

I don't want to be crazy.

I snap out of my thoughts when my feet touch sand.

The park is not very full today. Probably due to the heat, but I'm grateful.

I don't need to be around a lot of people right now.

No one is on the swing. Good.

I head over there and get weird looks from the old people sitting around the sandbox.

I don't really care.

I like the swing.

The momentum helps my blood flow and gets enough to my head to think.

But I don't think of good things.

I think of how people will treat me when school starts up again.

I'm sure they all know by now.

Maybe I shouldn't go at all.

I didn't have many friends anyway, and they definitely won't miss me now.

I feel like a slut.

I opened my legs for Renji without a second thought.

He probably thinks I'm one too. He hasn't seen me in years, so how could he know what's up with me now?

If I were taking the meds, I'd be even more depressed.

There's a tap on my shoulder before someone speaks.

"Hey," a deep voice grunts. "Can my kid swing?"

I turn around and my eyes widen.

Fucking Kenpachi Zaraki is standing behind me looking like a back-alley thug, while the cutest little pink-haired shit I'd ever seen hides behind his leg.

"Grimmjow? Fuck, I didn't recognize you with that beanie on your head!" He laughs.

"What are you doing here, Zaraki?" I ask almost irritated. "I thought I'd at least get weekends off."

"Don't be stupid. I come here every Sunday with my daughter," he looks down at her then moves her in front of him. "Yachiru, this is Grimmjow. He's one of the people daddy talks to." I bend down to her and hold my hand out.

I may not seem like it, but I've always liked kids.

"Hey," I say with a smile. "I'm Grimmjow." Yachiru raises an eyebrow and just stares at me before she says:

"He's crazy too, huh?" She asks then points her finger at me. I stand up and sigh.

"Cute kid," I say. "I bet she'll be just like you." The false enthusiasm makes Zaraki snicker a bit.

"Kenny, c'mon! I wanna swing!" She shouts and tries to climb up on the swing by herself. A laugh bubbles in the back of my throat and comes out my nose.

"Your daughter calls you _'Kenny'?"_ I ask. He rolls his eyes then scoffs.

"Shut up. Yachiru, let's try a smaller swing, yeah?" He says then picks her up. Before they walk off, he turns back to me. "C'mon. Why don't you hang out with us? You look like shit over here all by yourself."

Without waiting for my answer, they start to walk.

And I find myself following.

* * *

**Well, we got a little insight on Grimm.**

**He and Renji had a mutual agreement to have sex to release tension. We know he's really smart, but he doesn't want to be. And we learned a little more about the way he feels about certain things.**

**Even if he's just telling himself, I think it's good he's coming to term with some things.**

**I hope you guys liked this chapter!**

**R&R, please!**

_**~EMAE**_


	6. Chapter 5: A Cold Snap Once In A While

**A/N: Hey guys!**

**I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THE WAIT**

**The first few weeks of school are always hard for me. But school actually doesn't suck as much as I though it would, so yay!**

**And I just want you thank everyone again for taking the time out to review. Don't know if I said it already, but I am absolutely ****_in love_**** with reviews. I just really like hearing your thoughts. :3**

**But anyway, here's another chapter for you!**

**Enjoy! :3**

* * *

_Treading the ground_

_I once used to know_

_People are strangers_

_Same as before_

_Streets look familiar_

_I remember the part_

_Where I buried my head_

_So deep in my hands_

_All around me was dark_

_This here city_

_Is for the lonely ones_

_Won't find no angels_

_Selling maps to the lost_

_This here place_

_Is too small for two_

_It took one to realize_

_When dreaming's this hard_

_It's not meant to come true_

_So throw me a line_

_Somebody out there help me_

_I'm on my own_

_I'm on my own_

**_-The Temper Trap 'Trembling Hands'_**

* * *

"So what're you doing here anyway?" Dr. Zaraki asks me as I gently push his little girl on the swing. Yachiru asked me to push her and insisted on calling me 'Kitty', so I just went with it. I think about my answer for a bit before Yachiru's swing comes back.

"Kisuke and I just had a little argument," I answer and push the kid again.

"'Bout what?"

"Uh...dumb stuff...He wants me to take meds, but I'm not going to do that. Plus I don't really like weed, so..." I shrug one shoulder.

"Well...there _is_ a reason why, Grimmjow. You need to take something to help. If not the drugs, then the other stuff will help. It doesn't depress you like meds, it just calms you down. It's not that bad. Y'know?" I hear him say from behind me.

Yeah, I know.

I knew as soon as Kisuke told me, and I know now.

But...it's just kind of hard, admitting that you're crazy.

Well, not crazy. Just that you have a problem.

I just don't want to believe it.

"Hey, Kitty? You space out just like my mommy did," Yachiru says. "Doesn't he, Kenny?"

"Don't say that," Zaraki tells her sternly.

"Why do you call your daddy 'Kenny'?" I ask her.

"'Cause my mommy used to call him that."

There's a bit of an awkward silence and the only sound was that of the creaking swing.

But I wonder...

"Hey, Zaraki," I ask lowly. "If you don't mind me askin, what happened?"

"Hm?"

"Like, what happened to her mom?"

"Oh..." Zaraki's face hardens a bit and I fear I may have upset him. "Hey, Chiru? Why don't you go play on the pirate ship?"

"Yeah!" The little girl jumps off the swing and runs for the sand.

"Be careful!"

"You don't have to talk about it," I tell him as I sit on the bench next to him.

"Hey, _I'm_ supposed to say that to _you_." I roll my eyes at his bad humor. "But it's fine."

He tells me the whole story.

Yachiru's mom was his highschool sweetheart.

They married young, he went to school and she got into modeling.

Things were great until her agent told her she needed to be thinner, more 'desirable' to the public before she could go international. And she could work with that. She'd eat a little healthier and exercise more.

But she got sucked in, like so many others.

Self-consciousness set in, body image issues, bulimia.

Zaraki felt horrible, so he began to make her feel special whenever he could. He wanted her to see that she didn't need to change.

And that's how Yachiru was born.

Things were smoother after she came along, but her mother was crushed inside.

To her, she had so much baby weight and fat, and it was Yachiru's fault.

Kenny took care of her more often since her mother was no where to be found.

She'd barely come home, a lot of times she'd be drunk or take Yachiru out late at night.

She was fucking her boss profusely for more money.

And she left Yachiru outside her job.

Zaraki found out when he went looking for them one night.

Some creep was strutting down the street holding his baby girl.

I think it's safe to say that he was beaten out of existence.

Quite literally. Like, his mass had probably disappeared completely.

Anyway, his wife left him, and Zaraki spent every penny he'd earned on hiring a divorce attorney and a lawyer to fight for full custody.

And what's even worse is that she didn't even fight the no visitations thing.

She said it was a weight lifted off her shoulders now that she didn't have to deal with a kid.

Zaraki wants to hate her, but she was his wife, the mother of his child.

That's tough.

Now he's working full time to make more money to provide for his kid.

_Shit_.

"Turns out, she was great at hiding the fact that she was on drugs while she was pregnant. I don't know how I was so blind. Yachiru has heart problems now, but..." He gazes to the young girl yelling to us from the top of the fake pirate ship. "I try not to hold her back. I want her to grow up normal."

"Tch," I scoff. "What's normal?" Zaraki grunts in agreement. "She misses her mom?"

"Everyday. She talks about her all the time. But that just makes it harder."

"Yeah. I know a guy who's got it bad with drugs."

"How?"

"Highschool."

"Oh, that's right. You're a junior, huh?"

"Almost. When school starts I will be," I answer him.

"Do you like it there?"

"I didn't at first," I scratch my head through my beanie and think. "And I'm probably not going to if I go back. Pretty sure everyone hates me now, 'cause of what happened."

"Oh..." There's always and awkward silence whenever I bring that up. "Why didn't you like it at first?"

"It's a long story."

"Well, Yachiru's not coming down for a while. So why not?"

"...Okay," I say with a shrug.

* * *

_"How about I enroll you into the academy I went to?" Kisuke asked me excitedly on my birthday. He and Yoruichi had home-schooled me and Renji, but now it was time for me to go to a real school._

_Renji was gone, so I really didn't want to be stuck there anyway._

_And I actually did want to go to the same school as Kisuke._

_We went and bought a uniform, gray slacks and a gray blazer with red stripes._

_I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it either._

_Karakura High was a place for basically anybody. You didn't have to be smart or rich, or super good at something. It was just a place to go to learn. And it was such a great school that even college classes were offered._

_At least now I know how Kisuke got so smart._

_Anyway, anyone from any walk of life could attend._

_And I could work with that. I come from a totally abnormal walk of life._

_My first day was a bit terrifying, but who's first day of highschool isn't?_

_One stroke of good luck I got was that I had a top locker, which meant I wouldn't have to bend over all the time and get hit in the head. My schedule consisted of a lot of advanced classes. Stuff like Psychology and Philosophy. I loved it, though. But one weird part of my schedule was that I had a regular art class._

_I almost flipped my lid._

_I had always been into drawing and painting and stuff like that, and Kisuke said I was pretty good, so I decided to pursue it._

_Though the only reason I was ever any good at it was because my..._father_...taught me how._

_I had really thought he was spending time with me before I found out what he was really doing._

_I wish I couldn't draw, then the memories wouldn't be there._

_But it's not something I can stop, so I am going to put it to good use._

_That was the only class I got to on time, as well as Psychology, which was my first period._

_I sat by myself near the middle and laid my notebook out. The teacher wasn't there yet, so I just stared at my hands. I think I was in this class with mostly upperclassmen because everyone was already sitting in groups and talking as if they'd know each other for years._

_But that was fine. I would be just fine staying by myself._

_I've done it for most of my life._

_Until today, apparently._

_"Yer a freshman, huh?" Someone asks._

_When I turn my head, a freakishly tall guy with long black hair and a bandana over the side of his face is behind me. I got a really bad vibe from this guy. And I wanted him to leave me alone so I didn't say anything back. I'm sure I came off as rude, but I didn't mean to. I just haven't interacted with school kids in a while._

_"Hey! I'm talkin to ya!" He shouted, drawing the attention of the whole class. I hate when there's a lot of people staring at me. It makes me nauseous. "Ya better watch yerself around here, ignorin upperclassmen like that," he threatened with a sneer. As soon as I rolled my eyes, he grabbed the back of my chair and pulled it out from under me. I hit the floor with a loud thud then quickly stood back up and clenched my fists in anger. "Ya got some nerve rollin' yer eyes at me, punk." He said and threw the chair to the side. "Ya asked for it."_

_What?_

_All I did was roll my eyes. It wasn't like I called his mother a whore or anything. Was he just picking a fight? Why would anyone do that? It's pointless. Was it just fun picking on freshman?_

_I don't know why, but I want him to hit me first._

_Then I can hit him back._

_But something inside me wants me to hit him first._

_And I really want to._

_"Tch. Looks like yer too much of a _pussy_ ta hit me," he laughed before my fist cracked his jaw._

_Oh, that felt _really_ good. Maybe a little _too_ good._

_He ran for me and tackled me to the ground, rousing screams and cheers from everyone._

_"Tsk, tsk, Nnoitora. Picking fights on the first day," everyone turned away from us to turn towards a man standing behind the desk at the bottom of the class. He had short brown hair and glasses and was dressed nice. He must've been the teacher. "Why don't you sit down? Before you end up failing my class again." That made everyone laugh and 'Nnoitora' threw me away from him roughly. "You two have detention after school." Nnoitora groaned but I didn't care._

_I was just trying to stop my blood from boiling._

_I've never hit someone before._

_Well, I hit Renji before, but I've never hit out of anger._

_I liked it._

_I liked the feeling it gave me. I was able to hold my own and fight someone. I'm pretty sure that if the fight had gone on, I would have lost. But that hardly mattered. The rush of my fist flying towards his face then clenching up before impact...I didn't feel helpless anymore._

* * *

"I think that's where the whole PTSD thing started. But I had no idea. I liked not feeling helpless like I was back with my parents. I could be the one to hurt somebody, no the one being hurt anymore," my mind spoke freely.

"I can't say if that's good or bad. It's good that you didn't feel helpless, but not that you fought a lot," Zaraki responds. I just shrug. I'm my eyes, if something made me feel better about myself, then it was all good.

I notice we've been out here for about an hour or so because the sun has moved lower.

Maybe Kisuke's still home and I can talk to him.

"Uh-Oh," he says glancing at his watch. "C'mon, Chiru. Let's go!" He calls. Yachiru whines as she runs back to us.

"Kenny! I don't want to go!" She pouts and holds onto his leg.

"But don't you wanna go see the doctor?"

"Hmm..." She looks up in thought. "Can Kitty go? I want him to meet Dr. Unohana!" She runs over to me and grabs my leg.

"Unohana? Restu Unohana?" Kenpachi nods.

"You know her?" He asks.

"Yeah. She was my doctor a while back," I say with a shudder. Zaraki laughed. He knew.

Retsu Unohana had to be one of the most terrifying people I'd ever met. I tried to get out of my hospital bed one time and she dragged me right back. With little effort might I add.

"So do you want to go with us?" Zaraki asked with a smirk.

"Uh, if I could just catch a ride home, that'd be fine." I scratch the back of my head.

"Aw, Kitty! Are you shy like Kenny? He always clams up and turns pink whenever we see her!" Kenpachi covered her mouth and cleared his throat.

"Heh. _Kids,"_ he says nervously.

_"Right,"_ I respond and raise an eyebrow. "So about that ride home?"

"Sure." We all walk towards the car and they drive me home. "Hey Grimmjow!" I turn back around. "I'll count two hours for today."

My eyes widen at first, but I smile and wave at them then knock on the door. Kisuke opens it up and we just stare at each other. He knows I hate it, but he's waiting for an apology.

"Sorry," I mumble.

He steps to the side and lets me walk in. I head straight for the table and the weed is still there. I grab it then walk up to my room.

I look at it weirdly.

I don't know what to do with this.

Kisuke knocks on the door then comes in. I turn around to face him and hold the bag up and shrug.

Kisuke takes it from me then sits on the floor.

I sit across from him and tap on my shoes.

"A friend of yours came looking for you," he says as he pulls out a folded up piece of paper. "Kid with long brown hair?" I take the paper and unfold it.

_Can we please talk? I don't know if your phone is broken, but my calls won't go through. Please? I want to talk to you._

On the bottom, there's a phone number.

I frown.

There's only one person I know with shitty handwriting like this.

I ball up the paper and throw it into my trash bin.

"We're not friends," I say plainly.

"No?" Kisuke opens up the bag and I cover my nose. That shit stinks to me.

He rolls it up in two pieces of paper and I laugh on the inside.

He's going to smoke with me?

Kisuke has to be one of the most irresponsible adults I've ever met.

But he's also one of the best people I'll ever know.

* * *

**I think it's absolutely hilarious that Kisuke is going to smoke with Grimmjow. It shows the bond between them, but it's also outrageous that they're going to smoke together.**

**Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter!**

**R&R, please!**

**_~EMAE_**


	7. Chapter 6: Don't Cope Like This, Kids

**A/N: Hey, guys!**

**Thanks again for the reviews! Love them!**

**I know that I labeled this story as partly humorous, but it's not 'HAHAHA LOL' humor. XD It's more of Grimmjow's inner thoughts, and I personally find them a bit funny.**

**Also, an answer to a PM I recieved from FreakyShell:**

**Yes, I have smoked before, but I am not an 'avid weedhead.' XD Though I know people who use it medically and I think it's pretty top that it can be used for healing and not just for the unproductive tomfoolery that we all love so much.**

**This story will be getting darker, as in ****_'sin against humanity'_**** dark.**

**I hope I can keep most of you guys interested up until that point.**

**After that, it's only for the brave souls.**

**But as always...**

**Enjoy! :3**

* * *

_And so I run now to the things they said could restore me_

_Restore life the way it should be_

_I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down_

_Life's too short to even care at all, oh_

_I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control_

_If I could find a way to see this straight_

_I'd run away_

_To some fortune that I should have found by now_

_One more spoon of cough syrup now_

_**-Young The Giant 'Cough Syrup'**_

* * *

Weed is great.

It's _really_ great.

Once you get past the smell, it's really fucking awesome.

It's unlike anything I've ever experienced.

It doesn't depress me like the meds do.

It's completely natural and doesn't contain weird chemicals I can't pronounce.

It comes straight from God's green earth, so why do people think it's so bad?

I've been smoking for maybe three weeks now, and I've never been so calm in my life.

The first time was tough since I couldn't inhale it right, but Kisuke was there to show me how.

And he's a trip when he's high.

He made some joke about a cow, and we both laughed for about five minutes just repeating what he said.

Dude is fucking hilarious, or he's just really funny because I'm high too.

I absolutely love the stuff, though I'm trying not to rely on it _too_ much.

But that's really hard when it's the only thing keeping my mind leveled.

Because of it, I don't have dreams anymore.

And I'm thankful.

I used to wake sweating and sitting up while Kisuke held my head to his chest and rocked me back and forth.

You know those horrible nightmares that you can't remember once you wake up?

That was every night with me.

My cheeks were always wet and my vision was blurry and I think my brain was partially dead.

One time Jinta was crying too.

_I hit him._

Apparently I was screaming for help and I scared the living shit out of the kid when he came to check on me.

I comforted him before I comforted myself. I even let him sleep with me.

That's one reason why I don't want dreams, good or bad, I don't want them.

I don't sleep much, but when I do, I want silence.

No noise, no movement, just _empty space_.

My mind is alway running.

Random and relevant thoughts alike.

Can't I have a fucking break at least when I'm sleeping?

Zaraki says he's noticed my decrease in stress and anger. He says he can tell that I'm more collected with my thoughts as well. We meet every other weekday, and before I go, I always smoke so that talking with him is easier. We mostly talk about school.

I'm going to be starting soon.

I don't know if I'm ready to go back, though.

Talking about it with Kenpachi isn't that tough when I have a smoke, but it's still a little painful.

My first year sucked major ass.

* * *

_After first period I was just pissed the rest of the day._

_My classes were easy so I didn't even pay any attention._

_I was just waiting for lunch so I could eat something._

_When the time rolled around, I grabbed my food and searched for a place to eat in peace. It seemed that no one was headed to the roof so I went up there. Instead of sitting, I ate standing up so I could just look out at the city. There were small clusters of people, but no one that would pose another threat or bother me._

_"Grimmjow!"_

Spoke too soon.

_When I turned around some ginger kid was jogging my way. He caught me in a tight hug, trapping me against the fence._

_What the fuck?_

_Who?_

_I held my food above my head so that it wouldn't spill. A few kids looked this way and I blushed. This was really awkward._

_"Uh..."_

_"Where have you been, man? I haven't seen you in like three years!"_

_I don't remember _ever_ seeing you._

_"I can't believe we're going to the same highschool! Isn't that great? I thought that..."_

_His excited voice drowned out of my head as I looked at him weirdly._

_Who is this guy?_

_And why is he so excited to see me?_

_Did I know him at some point?_

_I'm not very good with faces, so I have no idea who I'm dealing with right now._

_I guess he caught on at some point in his ramblings._

_"...You remember me, right?"_

_About that..._

_"It's me, Ichigo!" He shouts._

_...Nah, still not helping._

_"Baka! We've known each other since kindergarten!" His face flushes and he pouts in an oddly cute sort of way._

_Well, I'd be embarrassed too if I was going on and on and the person I was talking to was paying no kind of attention._

_"Sorry," I mumble. "But I can't really remember."_

_"Oh, c'mon. I taught you how to ride a bike when we were like 10. You forgot about all that stuff?" He asks._

_...Ichigo...Ichigo...Ichigo!_

_I _do_ remember this guy._

_Don't know why I forgot him of all people._

_Though I guess I kind of pushed the last few years out of my brain._

_Even though I was an asshole to him, he was the only friend I had back then._

_Well, we weren't close, but he taught me to ride a bike._

And that's about it.

_But in a way, he saved my life._

_If I hadn't been able to ride a bike, I couldn't have runaway._

_And I'd probably be fucking dead now._

_"Oh yeah," I say awkwardly. "I remember now. Kurosaki, right?" He smiles and nods._

_"Just call me Ichigo, dude."_

_He looks so happy to see me._

_I can't understand why._

_I couldn't have been _that_ nice to him back then._

_"C'mon, you can sit with us," Kurosaki says then gestures for me to follow him. He sits on a long bench with other people sitting along it as well._

_I don't sit down._

_There's too many people._

_"Who's this?" An albino kid asks and points to me with his chopsticks._

_"Guys, this is Grimmjow, he's an old friend of mine," Ichigo introduces me. "Grimmjow, this is Shiro," the albino kid salutes with his chopsticks. "Chad," a big Hispanic looking guy greets me in a low voice. "Tatsuki," a boyish looking girl smiles. "Shinji," a blond kid with a wide grin nods. "And Hiyori," a short girl with blond spiky pigtails sitting in Shinji's lap waves._

_I'm jealous._

_They all look like they were probably friends in junior high._

_I came here alone._

_They just look like your regular band of misfits and I'm sure I'd fit in great._

_If I could actually learn to socialize._

Try to make friends, Grimmjow_, Kisuke's voice echoes in my head._

_C'mon. You can do this._

_Don't grunt._

_Don't shrug._

_Don't roll your eyes._

Speak_ for Christ's sake._

_Don't be rude._

Don't. Be. Rude.

_You want friends, remember?_

_I chant these in my head over and over again until I'm sure I get it._

_Little did I know that I was silent for about two minutes._

_When I realize it, I open my mouth but nothing comes out so I stiffen and my face heats up._

_Everyone laughs and my cheeks flush even more._

_Great first impression._

_I hate when people laugh at me._

_It just reminds me of my 'Blue Goo' days._

_And everything accompanying that name._

_"Stop laughing at me!" I shout angrily with my fists clenched._

_Everyone quiets down and looks at me._

_Good going, dumbass. No friends for you._

_"Grimmjow, calm down. No one's making fun of you," Ichigo places a hand on my shoulder and says sincerely._

_He must remember what I was like back then._

_I hated when people laughed at me._

_"Yeah man," Shinji spoke up with a smile. "We're all friends here."_

_Good, I didn't fail after all._

_Without a word, I take a seat at the end of the bench away from everyone else and continue to eat._

_I was still a little embarrassed._

_"Sorry we're late!" A chirpy voice rings from behind me._

_Some ginger girl runs over followed by a pale guy with big green eyes._

_"Hime, lunch is almost over," Tatsuki says with a roll of her eyes._

_"Yeah, I know," she scratches her head and laughs, "I couldn't decide what to get for lunch, but Ulquiorra was nice enough to wait for me." She finishes and her eyes drift to me. A blush covers her cheeks and I raise and eyebrow._

_Why was she staring at me?_

_"Oh Orihime, Ulquiorra, this is Grimmjow Jaegerjaques," Kurosaki says to the new additions to the group._

_"H-Hi..." Orihime says softly as her cheeks turn redder and she rubs her arm._

_The only thing I am thinking about is that her tits are _gigantic_._

_Jesus._

_They look like they're about to pop out from that white dress shirt._

_I don't say anything back and just continue eating._

_She seemed weirder than anyone else._

_The green-eyed kid is weird too._

_He looks like he wants to take my soul._

_Maybe I should stop this staring habit before my eyes dry up permanently._

_I feel heat next to me and notice that Orihime is sitting next to me._

_I scoot away a bit._

_"Are you an exchange student? Your name sounds odd." I raise an eyebrow and she sqeaks. "B-But it's a really cool name! I mean, I-I think it's nice!" She laughs awkwardly then drops her shoulders when I look away from her. "S-So...where are you from?" I shrug. I really don't know._

_My dad had some accent, but they didn't care enough to tell me about my heritage._

_"U-Um...Do you take any advanced classes?"_

_Oh my God._

_She talks way too much._

_I don't even hear the rest of her questions I'm so mad._

_I just want to eat in peace, not socialize._

_"D-Do you play any sports?"_

_I grunt angrily then stand up and walk off to stand somewhere else._

_No one notices. Good._

_When the bell rings I get rid of my trash then head off to my next class._

_Kurosaki calls my name, but I ignore him._

_At this point in time, I had no idea that Ichigo would become one of my closest friends later on._

_But right now, he just seemed like too much of a happy-go-lucky prick for me to be around._

_Though it could just be me, since everyone seems that way._

_My art class is next and I can't wait._

_It's really hard for me to focus in that class because none of the other students pay any attention._

_Either they don't care or don't want to, but it's really loud and rowdy._

_Though I still love art enough to pay as much attention as I can._

_This one tenth-grader sits near me and he snores _so fucking loud_._

_Someone threw a textbook at his head and he still didn't wake up._

_I mean, is the teacher retarded or something?_

_She _has_ to hear him._

_When school is over, Ichigo asks me if I want to hang out and catch up._

_I tell him I can't._

_I've got detention with Cadet Shitmouth due to this morning's incident._

* * *

I roll my eyes at the memory of my first day.

It was just the begginning of a long ride of bullshit.

I notice I'm out of weed.

_Shit_.

I'm starting to depend on it for solace so I really need it.

Maybe Renji's nearby and he can drive me to the pharmacy. He's been able to visit on the weekends since he and his mother moved to a place close in the city. Every Saturday he comes over and stays the night.

Sometimes we hang out, sometimes we have sex.

It really depends on our mood at the time.

If we're fine and dandy, we'll chill out or go see a movie or some shit.

If we're both having a shit day, we'll drive somewhere quiet and fuck like starved demons in the backseat of his car.

Things haven't gotten complicated between us yet, so it's still fine with me if we screw around sometimes.

Look, I respect Kisuke's wishes and all, but I've gotta do what I've gotta do.

And whenever I need a filter, I'll wait until the weekend so Renji can filter with me.

We just kind of help each other out that way.

I call him and he almost shouts in my ear about wanting to smoke with me.

I guess he's been smoking long before I have, but he's never done it with me.

Apparently he has some great methods for fun while getting high.

When he gets here I rush downstairs.

"Where you going?" Kisuke asks from the kitchen.

"To refill," I say.

"Pick up some children's Tylenol, too. I think Jinta's got little summer cold."

"Okay!" I shout then leave. I hop into Renji's car and we speed off.

"This is gonna be fuckin awesome," he says excitedly.

"Never knew ya as the smoker type, Renji."

"I'm not really, but I do on special occasions."

"And what makes today so special?"

"I'm smokin with _you_, baka," he says and rolls his eyes. We pull into the parking lot and I get out the car. Though I stop in my tracks when I see what pharmacy we're at.

_Oh no._

_He's probably here._

"Uh, hey...do you think you could take me to a different pharmacy?" I ask nervously.

"And pointlessly waste gas?" Renji let's out an empty laugh. "Hurry up." I roll my eyes then take the sunglasses off of his head. "Hey, those are vintage!" He shouts.

I stick my tongue out at him then slide them over my eyes.

Even when it's 90° out, I pull my hood over my hair.

I don't want anyone to notice me.

The air conditioner hits me when I walk in and it makes me want to pull off my hood, but I don't. I head straight for the medicine isle. I'll get Jinta's stuff first then head to the counter to order mine.

I didn't even bother checking to see who was at the cash register, so when I see bright orange hair, I panic a bit.

_Dammit. Ichigo's just as bad._

Though maybe he won't notice me.

But if _he's_ here today, he'll know exactly who I am in a split second.

I grab the Tylenol then walk up to the counter.

I put the bottle down then place my order and anxiously tap my foot.

I try to disguise my voice.

I need to get out if here before he notices me.

After placing two bags on the top, he speaks:

"Hey, Grimmjow..."

_Fuck_.

It's been so long his voice sounds like a strangers

It's softer and kinder, not how I remember.

He must think I'm fragile too.

"H-Hey," I reply sheepishly.

I feel stupid wearing this hood and sunglasses.

I take them off then stare at the ground.

"How've you been?" He asks. It's starting to feel natural again.

"Fine...I-I guess..." I rub the base of my neck awkwardly.

There's a bit of silence and I feel his eyes on me.

"Everybody misses you."

Why'd he have to say that?

"Yeah..."

"Why haven't you been answering your phone?..."

Think...

"It's broken."

I'm just as bad as the rest of the world.

All these lies.

"Oh..."

"Yeah..."

There's another silence before he perks up.

"Well, we should start hanging out again...sometime," he says with a small smile.

Oh_, fuck you, _Ichigo.

No one can be this fucking _nice_ all the time.

Why does he still want to be friends with _me?_

There has to be a reason, some motive behind it.

There _has_ to be.

No one should want to even associate with me at all.

Now I've made myself angry.

"Thanks, but I don't that's a good idea," I say curtly then grab the bag and go. He calls after me but I ignore it.

I storm back to the car and get in.

"Did you get everything?" Renji asks.

I only grabbed one bag.

I forgot the main thing I came here for.

Great, now I have to go back in after being a total dick.

I keep my head hung as I stroll up to the counter again.

"Hey, I forgot—"

When I look up, I'm met with a lazy, gray stare.

My breath catches in my throat.

Where'd Kurosaki go? Did his shift end that quick?

How'd they switch so fast?

It's been so long since I've laid my eyes on his.

There's surprise and happiness in them, even though his face doesn't show it, I can tell.

I back up then turn around and try to make a swift exit.

There's a loud commotion behind me and I know he's hopping over the counter top.

I tense up when he firmly grabs my arm, stopping me in my tracks and making the bones in my wrist pop audibly.

It hurts like hell, him being much bigger and stronger than I am.

But I don't care.

There still isn't a warmth like his in the entire world.

I miss it.

I've never even touched him (what I wouldn't give), but I miss it so much.

"Wait. Just, wait..." He trails off and I clench my fist.

_Here we go._

* * *

**So I know that was kind of a cliffhanger, but the little troll in me told me to stop it there.**

**The next chapter will be all about how Grimmjow met Starrk, and a little something extra... ;D**

**I know I was a bit late, but I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!**

**R&R, please!**

**_~EMAE_**


	8. Chapter 7: Oh, How Memories Haunt

**A/N: Hey guys!**

**So I know you probably got my alert chapter, which is probably gone by now. Here's what I'm going to do:**

**I'll keep posting here until something ****_actually _****_happens_****.**

**I'm counting on FanFiction to pull the bullshit like the last few times, so I'm actually not all that worried. If my story does get torn down, I will repost it and link the mature stuff on another site. I really want to complete this and will do anything to go through with it. Just make sure you follow me just in case.**

**So no worries, guys. I'm going to keep posting. And without further ado...**

**Enjoy! :3**

* * *

_No one knows the hard times I went through_

_If happiness came I miss the call_

_The stormy days ain't over_

_I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost_

_Now I've watched all my castles fall_

_They were made of dust, after all_

_Someday all this mess will make me laugh_

_I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait..._

_If I ever feel better_

_Remind me to spend some good time with you_

_You can give me your number_

_When it's all over I'll let you know_

_**-Phoenix 'If I Ever Feel Better'**_

* * *

_Oh, Kami._

I don't know how much longer I can stand here with his hand around my wrist.

It annoys me how persistent he is.

What could he possibly still want with me?

Why can't he hate me like everyone else? Kurosaki, too. What's wrong with them?

Ugh...it's annoying because I can't understand.

I'm just fine with everyone else hating me because I know _why_ they hate me.

But when not everyone hates you, and you have no idea why, you get a little pissed.

"Let me go," I say.

"Just let me talk to you," he replies softly. "Please, Blue."

Starrk's the only other person who calls me that.

But he doesn't know me.

He has no right.

"I don't want to—"

"Shut the hell up about what you don't want to do!" He shouts. It scares me a bit. "It's not like I'm asking you to fuckin' _marry me!_ I just wanna be your friend so we can at least figure this out!"

"I don't want any friends!" I whip around and face him again. He stares in my eyes for a moment like he's memorizing them, like he'll never see me again. I memorize him too, just in case.

His face is the same, grown-up but still soft in its natural kindness. Brown locks fall longer on his shoulders. He has a little stubble around his cheeks, his goatee is still there. The polo under his apron is too small. It looks so good on him though. His muscled arms look like they're about to rip through the white fabric. The black cargoes he wore looked like they couldn't really fit around his hips, as I could see his pelvic bone. Even his black Converse were too small for him. As long as I've known Starrk, I noticed he's never had clothes that fit. He has the money, but he doesn't spend it on himself.

He hasn't been sleeping either, his eyes are sunken in, the gray orbs dull and not shining like normal. They're puffy and a little red, like he's been smoking weed or crying, or both. He couldn't have been _that_ upset over _me_, so what was it?

Had something happened...?

It makes my stomach lurch not knowing. I want to ask, but I'm trying not to get too close to him. He notices the long pause between us and breaks it.

"Then what was all that friendly shit with Ichigo?"

"_Being friendly_ is different from being actual friends. Kurosaki's not my friend anymore. No one is. And I've gotten used to it," I snap and pull my wrist away. "I don't want to be fuckin' _friends_ with _you."_ He looks so hurt, and his expression makes me hurt. "Don't think that just because we both have daddy issues that it makes us friends."

Wait, that's not what I meant.

Fuck.

"This has nothing to do with—If you think I'm _anything_ like...like _him_...then—"

I grip my hair in both hands and growl loudly. Things are about to get weird.

"That's not it! Shut up!" I shut my eyes and try to block out the invading thoughts.

"Sorry—"

"Don't fuckin' talk about that!" I shout and keep my eyes shut, trying to scratch the images out of my head.

Now he's seen a fraction of how messed up I am.

Maybe I finally scared him off.

"...Okay, Blue. We won't talk about it, ever. Unless you want to."

What the fuck, he's so fuckin'...what?

Something's wrong with him. No doubt.

"We don't have to hang out or be friends or anything that makes you uncomfortable. But _talk to me._" He lightly puts his hand on my shoulder. "I need someone to—I can't fucking do this by myself." His hand slides smoothly down my arm towards my hand. He shouldn't do that because it reminds me of how much I want him. In anger, I shrug him off of me then take a step back.

"I don't care about what you need, or what the fuck you can't do," I say, the words seething. I turn around so I don't have to face him. I didn't mean it but it's already been said. It was a low blow, but maybe I can follow through and drive him off. "Don't touch me. I don't fucking like you. Leave me alone."

Without looking back at him, I leave the pharmacy with the bag in my hand. As I walk out, I don't hear any movement.

Good. Maybe I hurt him enough.

He can get over me, find someone...better for him. Better than me.

Starrk's too perfect to be with _me_.

I don't want him because I don't deserve him.

It feels weird and unnatural for someone to be that nice. And to _me_.

He's too much of a free spirit to be with me. I'm introverted and routine-based, he's outgoing and spontaneous. I'm not saying we're too different, I'm saying that I can't see him being happy with me. I'd hold him back.

And I want him to be happy. He's such a good person, and he means too much to me.

And I can't say that because he already sees me as an enigma.

He'd call me stupid and try to hug me or something because he doesn't understand. I need him to stay in the dark.

Maybe he'll get fed up and give up on me, find out what he really wants. He thinks he wants me, but he has no idea what being in a relationship with a person like me would do to his mind.

Honestly, I'd probably use him like a punching bag, take all my frustrations out on him, take him down to the lowest point he's ever been in life.

He can't fucking tell me he knows what he wants.

When I get in the car, Renji drives off. I know he's heard the yelling, but he doesn't ask. I'm glad.

I just don't want to talk about it.

He parks in an empty lot under the highway with a great view of the city. Renji prepares two perfect blunts then one for us to share. We lean our seats back, "toast," and light it up. He smirks and we both take a drag at the same time. He blows his directly out, but I let mine sit and intensify in my lungs for a bit. I open my mouth slowly and the smoke leaks out in long, thick tendrils. I suck it back in through my nose then blow it out for good. I like to take advantage of every fume.

"So," Renji starts then takes another drag. "Before this kicks in, want to talk?" I look at him like he's plain stupid then blow my smoke in his face. He waves it away with a frown.

"You know that's not what I wanna do," I answer. He shrugs then taps his chin in thought.

"Hmm...Wanna fuck?"

I snort at his question. Though I look at him and think about it then shake my head.

"Not in the mood today."

"Huh. We'll see," he chuckles then turns on the radio. Loud rock music comes on and he turns it down a bit.

I personally don't like it. I'm into classical and instrumental stuff because to me, music is best when there are no words. It helps me think.

"Got anything else besides this shit?" I ask, starting to feel the fuzz kick in.

"I will be governing this evenings selections." he mocks an uppity voice then snickers. Yep, he's already gone. "Fuckin chillax, dude. I told you we'd have fun, didn't I?" I shrug then continue smoking.

Renji tells me he likes my technique and tries it, but ends up choking. We both laugh way too hard then continue to imitate his incident. When we finally get over it, I sigh contently. My muscles are loose and my body feels heavy.

I'm finally relaxed.

But for some reason, I start thinking about Starrk.

* * *

_When I first met Starrk, I hated him. He was assigned my partner in art class, but he never showed up. So technically, I hadn't met him yet. But I hated the fact that I had to do all our assignments alone. And I couldn't look for him because I had no idea what he looked like. I guess technically the first time I _saw_ him was one day Nnoitora was just avid on pissing me off. Him and his stupid gang of assholes (one of which was apparently Starrk) were running through the halls and he pushed me out of his way. I hit my head on the lockers and dropped all my shit to hold it. A kid, who I didn't know was Starrk at the time, stopped running and picked my stuff up._

_He didn't even look at me before bolting after his friends. What confused me was that it was so random. It was almost like he did it on impulse, like it was an instinct of his to help me. I mean, he didn't even look at who he was helping! He just laughed as he picked up my stuff then shoved it at me and ran off. I just couldn't make sense of it. But I had only had a taste of what Starrk was really like. When he actually _came to class_ one morning, the teacher excused all of his absences and I lost it. I cursed him out about how his ass didn't even know what class he was in and how I had been doing all the work._

_I got detention._

_So...there must've been something I was missing, right? Some lazy-ass kid finally shows up for class and I get punished for it. Where was the logic in that?_

_I'll answer: there wasn't any._

_After that, Starrk would show up sometimes. But when he would, he would sleep all day. It made me want to kill him. My other classes started suffering because I was so focused on that class. It was somewhat easy because I loved art, but it was a lot for one person to handle. What I couldn't understand was why he was so tired, and why he missed so much school. All I knew about him was that he was the captain of the schools soccer team and had a girlfriend named Harribel. But these were all things Ichigo and his friends told me, so I wasn't really sure. Even with all that, you wouldn't be _that_ tired._

_Because I lacked the ability to balance and manage my classes, I started to fail them all except art. I had detentions lined up day after day, so I had to start clearing them._

_"So glad you're taking detention seriously now," Aizen, the professor of my Psychology class, said as he straightened some papers on his desk._

_"I didn't really have a choice. You've given me one everyday since the beginning of the year," I replied with a glare._

_"Only because you earned them. Take a seat." I rolled my eyes then climbed the stairs to my regular seat. With a sigh, I placed my head in my hands and began to wait. "I hope you don't mind if I get a bit more comfortable. It's still very hot from summer."_

_"Why would I? It's your classroom, do whatever you want," I mumbled._

_Aizen shrugged then ran his hand through his wavy brown hair and slid up his glasses to rest on his head. It was then that I realized how young he was. The glasses made a _huge_ difference, the professor looking like a college student himself. Though I think he was somewhere in his early thirties. Anyway, I guess him "getting comfortable" involved loosening his tie and a few buttons on his dress shirt. A little weird, but I wasn't saying anything. Aizen noticed me staring at him, so I casually looked out the window on the other side._

_"Grimmjow?"_

_I don't like the way he said my name._

_"Hm?" I grunted back._

_"Grimmjow, I want to help you," he stated then stood from leaning back on his desk. I scoffed. "You're a really smart kid, so I don't think you should be failing the way you are. It just doesn't make sense to me. Help me understand why you're struggling." Aizen started up the stairs and stopped next to my desk._

_"Tch. Why?"_

_"It's my job. I'm a teacher, and you're a student. That's the way it goes. And I want you to pass your other classes besides Art. I'm a pretty well-rounded teacher, so I could help you with virtually anything." He leaned down and rested his elbows in front of me. "What do you say?"_

_I don't say anything._

_Why did he want to help me?_

_None of my other teachers really cared._

_Why did he want me to succeed so badly?_

_I don't like how friendly and nice he is, or how long he's been looking at me._

_It made me uncomfortable._

_His brown eyes seemed to be hiding something while trying to uncover what's behind mine._

_"You have such beautiful eyes, Grimmjow. Has anyone ever told you that?" A look of bewilderment took over my face at his statement, and a light blush quickly crept up my neck._

_Wasn't expecting that._

_I noticed a small smile grace his full lips and I swallowed nervously._

_Only one person had ever told me that._

I love your eyes, Grimm. Big and blue, just like mine. So beautiful.

_My heart was thumping hard against my chest now and I was severely creeped out._

_Or scared, I couldn't tell the difference at that point._

_I couldn't stop my hands from beginning to tremble._

_The man was probably just being nice, but goddamn, I haven't been this shaken up in years._

_"I-I...gotta go," I stuttered then quickly stood. After tripping a few times, I made it to the door. I heard Aizen call after me but I just kept walking. I bumped into someone, who I recognized was Nnoitora when he stopped me._

_"Where ya goin' in such a hurry, Blueberry?" He said and jumped in front of me. "We got detention together, c'mon!"_

_"Get out of my way," I growled menacingly. His eyes widened before he stepped out of my path. I continued to walk fast._

_I don't know what it was, but my gut was telling me to never go back there._

* * *

I shudder out of my memory then take the blunt me and Renji are sharing. I take a long drag.

I need it after that flashback.

"Don't hog it all!" Renji shouts.

"I wasn't," I snap back as he takes it from me.

I let him. My brain is fogged with memories and my body feels strange. I think the loud music is doing weird things to me. I like the feeling it gives me, but it's something I'm not familiar with. The warmth from my entire body settles in my lower half and I feel myself getting aroused by the music. But it's not a good kind of aroused. This kind feels pesky, like an annoying itch that you can't scratch. It's a horrible ache instead of that nice warm throb I usually get. I squirm in my seat a bit, trying to get the feeling to go away. I push down on it like it'll help, but it still doesn't.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Renji asks and raises an eyebrow at my strange movements.

"...I'm fuckin' hard," I admit shamelessly with an angry growl then turn away from him. "And it won't fuckin' go away."

Goddammit...so fucking horny...

He laughs hard for a few seconds before sighing contently.

"That's what happens when you smoke really good weed, and listen to really good music."

"But this isn't good music," I turn my head slightly and input.

"To you, maybe. But it doesn't matter. You're reacting to it. The experience does some crazy shit to your brain. Sometimes it makes you horny." The redhead gestures down to my covered crotch. I groan and sit up, letting out a hiss when my jeans rub against the sensitive flesh.

"Fuck..." I curse then roughly grip my armrests on either side. I can't help myself from throwing my head back and grinding my hips down into the soft leather.

Renji watches me for a bit. It's probably turning him on.

"Hey, stop dry-fucking my seats! These cost me a fortune!" He reaches over and places a firm hand on my thigh to stop me. But that only makes me ache more.

"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?" I seethe through clenched teeth.

"Well," he thinks. "You could wait until you lose your high, but considering how much we've smoked," he smokes the last of it then throws the roach out the window. "That could take a while. And it wouldn't be much fun."

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said, baka," Renji says in a lower, throatier voice.

I know exactly what's about to happen, and the thought makes me shiver. I stop watching his sinful hand creep up my thigh to look up at him. He's got those intense, dark eyes again. They make me shift and swallow thickly. Those are the ones that tell me he wants it bad. I don't really, but the high makes me hornier than ever. All my senses are tingling, my mind is telling me to fuck him just to fuck him. Not because I want to or because I need to.

But because I simply _can_.

He kisses me and I open my mouth to let his tongue in. It's a slow kiss since we're not all there mentally, but it feels better than anything I've ever experiened. He intensifies it and I moan a bit. I feel him traveling towards my groin and I tense up. His hand slowly unfastens my jeans making me sigh loudly. It takes the strain off of the growing member that was under that cursed button and zipper. His sinful hand slips under the waistband of my boxers and lightly grazes my sensitive hairs before grabbing me firmly. I break the kiss to gasp because it felt like the first time I'd ever been touched there.

He pulls my head back a bit to suck on the one spot on my neck that makes me go crazy. I arch off of my seat and begin breathing heavily, my body ceasing to stop its undulating motion. He tries to hold me down but there was no way in hell that was gonna happen. He hadn't even been jerking me off for two minutes and the inside of my boxers were damp with pre-cum.

"So who's this 'Starrk' guy you keep calling me?" He pants without ceasing his movements. I don't even register the question at first I'm so deep in the pleasure.

"N-No one. Just..._fuck_...just ignore it," I barely answer back.

"Will do."

Renji wipes the sticky fluid before he moves deeper into my pants. His wet finger circles my entrance and my lower half twitches violently. He kisses me and shoves two in without hesitation. I shut my eyes tighter at the intrusion but eventually relax and he starts to move. A low moan escapes my mouth when he combines the two sensations. His fingers suddenly curl, grazing the bundle of nerves that makes my whole body jolt. Seeing my reaction encourages him to jab that spot roughly a few more times before I come in my clothing, groaning loudly and grinding down on the seat again.

I can only see blue stars as my breathing slows and my stomach stops tingling. When I regain my senses, I look over to Renji. He has a concentrated look on his face as his come-covered hand works furiously in his sweats. Quick, violent strokes make him arch a bit off his seat as low growls escape his mouth. Watching him gets me hard again. I grab his wrist and stop his movements then surprise him by crawling over the emergency brake and straddling his lap.

It's only fair that I repay the favor.

His hands immediately grip my ass as I kiss his neck. I lift his shirt over his head and rub up and down the excited and sweaty skin. Renji starts moving my hips and I know what he wants. Hell, I want it too. I grind in his lap a bit to tease him before he stops me and looks me in the eye.

"Stop fuckin' around," he growls.

I smirk and give him room to arch off the seat and shimmy down his pants. I do the same to mine before seating our bare thighs together. I grab his cock and guide it, my entrance quivering for what's to come. Before I sink down and get the party started, he stops me.

"I don't have a condom," he groans and grips his hair. I roll my eyes and push him into me, surprising him. "_Shit_...Well, okay."

I don't even care at this point. I just need to fuck something and quick. As soon as he's fully seated within me, I sigh and lay on his shoulder. When we're both ready, I grip his shoulders and move my hips slowly. We both let out a moan and I bury my face in his neck. There's hardly any thrusting, mainly just me riding him as hard and fast as I can. He hates when I grab and pull his hair, but what else would it be there for? I grip that shit like it's reins and pull his head back so I can bite his neck. My drug hazed mind turns long, red hair into short, brown waves, and chocolate orbs into lust-filled slate ones.

Why am I thinking about _him_...

The drugs intensify our libido, so it doesn't take long for us to reach our peak. I ride him harder and he grips my straining member once again and starts stroking.

"Fuck..._S-Starrk_...gonna come..." I whine lowly in his ear then wrap my arms tightly around his neck and bury my face in it. "Starrk..."

I'm not even aware of what I said.

He spills into me, and the feeling makes me come on his hand and chest. I can hear how loud I'm breathing, but I don't care. The most intense sex I'd ever had just took place, so I could care less about how loud I am. He's breathing equally as hard anyway. I feel his dick begin to soften, but we still don't move. Out the back window, I notice red and blue lights flashing. Thinking it's just spots in my vision from my fading orgasm, I ignore it.

But when me and Renji hear a short siren blare, we both tense up.

"Oh, shit," he speaks what both of us are thinking. "Just act normal."

"So me sitting here with your dick shoved up my ass is normal?" I ask in a panic.

"Whatever! Just don't say anything!" I follow his lead and hide my face in his neck once again.

The cop strolls up to the car and taps on Renji's tinted window. He rolls it down a bit so that they can see his eyes.

"All the way," a woman's voice speaks.

_Fuck_.

In my experience, female cops are the meanest.

Renji rolls the window down and looks directly in front of him.

"Can I help you officer?"

"You know this is private property, right? What the heck are you..." She trails off and her eyes rake over Renji's shirtless torso and my pants around my thighs. I guess she put two and two together. The car reeked of marajuana and body odor. You'd have to be a bonafide idiot not to know what was going on. "U-Um...step out the car please." She steps back from the door and Renji throws his head back with a groan.

"Hop off real quick?" I do as he asks and we both froze when I feel a warm liquid start to leak out of me. I look down and see that Renji's spent member is now covered in his own cum. "Dammit," he says then wipes his crotch with his discarded tee. I hold back a laugh then roll over to my seat. "Shut up."

Renji opens his door then gets out of the car. I proceed to clean myself up as I wait for him to wrap it up with the cop. Something in the car buzzes, and I look around for his cell phone. It's under his seat in the back so I reach and grab it. It was a text message. I type in his password then begin reading.

_You were right, Pineapple. I did end up using your number. Honestly, I couldn't stop thinking about you all day. I know it's odd for a girl to ask, but do you think you could pick me up from work in an hour? We could go get coffee or something. :)_

_-Rukia_

My eyes widen at the text before I smirk.

Looks like Renji's finally gonna score with some chick.

The door on the drivers side opens and Renji quickly slides in. The necklace on him clangs against his bare chest at his abrupt movements before he starts the car. He backs up and turns left to drive out of the lot.

"What happened?" I inquire curiously.

"That cop's a freak, man," he exclaims. "She would only let me go if I promised to let her join us next time." A shudder racks his body and a loud laugh leaps from my throat.

"So you gonna call her?"

"_Hell no,_" he says as he rips up the paper with the cops number on it and throws it out the window.

"Do you get a lot of offers like that?" I ask with a slight chuckle.

"Well, yeah," he rubs the back of his neck. "But I don't usually act on them. I mean, I know I'm hot and all," a gesture to his torso makes me roll my eyes. "But my standards are higher than that, y'know? I won't just fuck anybody."

"Then who's this Rukia chick?"

"Hm?"

I read the text to him them state her name at the end. The car veers off to the side then screeches to a hault. He grabs the phone from me then skims it quickly. A loud laugh erupts from him and he rakes his hair out his face with his fingers.

"No way," he sighs blissfully. "I met her earlier today at this little outlet store. She didn't seem that into me, and I'm sure I pissed her off with how persistent I was, but I insisted that she'd use my number eventually," a smile grew on his face as he continued. "Dude, she's so amazing. She's cute and feisty. Oh, and she's so small! You know how I like 'em small," he said with a smirk.

As I listen to him talk about Rukia, I get a little jealous, but I'm still happy for him.

At least he has someone who he can give all his feelings to.

"Man, I gotta see her. Can I borrow one of your shirts? Y'know, since mine is kinda..."

"Sure, Renji," I laugh.

"Cool," he smiles then drives a bit faster to drop me off. When we get back to Kisuke's shop, my mouth drops.

The outside is covered in graffiti and paint. The lawn is a mess with it too. My window is even busted.

And what makes it worse is that it's not the first time it's happened.

It started right after the incident.

Kisuke's is outside on a ladder, whistling peacefully and scrubbing the shit off his shop. He hears the car pull up then turns around.

"Oh, hey boys! Grimmjow could you go give that medicine to Jinta?" He says like nothing's wrong.

I'm also jealous of Kisuke.

He can stay calm in any situation, while if it were me, I'd be blowing up all over the place.

"Sure," I say lowly. "You want any help?"

"Yeah? This looks pretty bad," Renji adds.

"Nah, just go take care of Jinta. He should be getting ready for bed soon. And you should too, Grimmjow, since you have an extra appointment tomorrow."

"Okay," I respond then go inside. Renji follows me upstairs to my room where he promptly begins looking for a shirt to wear. "Here." I toss him some jeans and a shirt that'll actually fit him.

It's actually an old shirt of his, "Pierce the Veil," one of his favorite bands, printed across the black fabric in big white letters.

"Wow, you kept this? I thought you didn't like this type of music," he says intrigued.

"I wear it as pajamas," I say with a shrug.

"Sweet," he smiles and nods before running to the bathroom to clean himself up and change. A thought registers in my mind and it makes me frown.

But it's something I gotta do.

I follow after Renji to the bathroom where I hear water running. I knock a little harder so he can hear me.

"Hey, Renji?"

"Yeah?" He shouts.

"Hey...I was thinking...maybe we should stop."

"Stop what?"

"Stop...y'know...doing what we're always doing." The water stops and I hear some shuffling around before the door opens.

"Why?" He wonders.

"Well, you seem really into this girl and, well, I don't want to wreck anything. Plus I'm not one for cheating so..." I rub my arm and shrug. Renji nods a bit.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. That makes sense. But this won't change anything between us, right? You're still my best friend?"

"Yes, baka. Like hell that'll change." He wraps me under his arm and we laugh. "I'm going to give this medicine to Jinta. Just leave your clothes in my room and I'll wash them for you."

"Thanks man."

"Don't mention it," I say as I walk downstairs.

I feel good about what I did, since Renji will finally get to date somebody.

But on the other hand, what the hell am I supposed to do when I get horny?

* * *

**Whew! Really long chapter! But I liked it! I revealed quite a bit in the story, but I tried to keep it as subtle as possible.**

**I hope you guys enjoyed that lemon, because it the last one for a while.**

**Alas! It's true! No more sexy times between Grimmy and Renji! But don't worry, I have another way for Grimm to work out all his pent up engery.**

**I hope you guys like this chapter!**

**The next one will be another therapy session, with greater detail about Starrk's life and some other junk.**

**R&R, please!**

**_~EMAE_**


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